Easter

Well today is Easter..A day that is so sacred to most..but to me..really isn't..but is in a small way...i'm rethinking my beliefs on God..Part of me wants so much to grasp on to the hope that others seem to find in his light. I dunno if it will matter or if i'm doing it for the right reasons..but i think in my heart i believe that i am. My children deserve a better life than i have been able to offer them..it makes me sad to look into their eyes and see so much pain..pain that i have inevitably caused.

I have been such a failure as a person and as a parent...in my life, i have many regrets..and i am trying my best to try to repair the damage that i've caused..i wish i could go back in time..as we all do..and correct the wrongs i've done..but i know i cannot do that..i can only move forward and try to make everything from today on a better world for me and the kids. I hate doing it alone though..there is so much josh needs that i just can't give him..no matter how much i want to..he needs his dad...but his dad apparently doesn't understand that anymore. I need to find someone to take him under their wing..someone that can be a father figure to him..no i don't mean to look for a mate that is a father figure but solely a father figure. Like a big brother type situation...not sure how to go about that..but i hope i eventually find a way to do it.

As far as love goes..i'm still and probably will for a long time waiting around on a certain someone. I miss him..i haven't heard from him in a couple of days..he has his own shit to deal with and i understand that..i just wish he'd allow me to be there to help but at the same time i understand that i can't be..we can't get too close right now..not yet..part of me wonders if it will ever be..or if i should stop being so selfish and back off and just be his friend and not think about anything else..i know it's what he really needs..but in my heart i know i could be the girl that he needs in his life just as i feel he is the man i need in my life...I hope that's not egotistical of me to think..but i suppose in some way it is..i dunno..i just know that there is a deepening of my feelings happening.....i'm scared of it but at the same time i embrace it, even relish in the thought that one day i could be his girl...oh if only...am i dumb to want that? I dunno..but i guess we'll find out in the end.

Hello

I haven't posted here in a long time. I have a lot of things going on right now, I'm working on getting my own place..and I'm scared but i don't like to admit that to anyone. It's been a long time since i was on my own. I hope i can do it, i think i can do it, but part of me still fears...i guess fear exists in everyone for a lot of reasons..i hope i can overcome that fear and be the parent i so need and want to be.

As for my love life..well there is a man who is special to my heart..I'm not sure if i am special to him..but in some ways i believe i am..I am kinda waiting around for him..and kinda just worrying about dealing with myself..Just as he is dealing with his own self atm...I am glad that he is..but i wish he'd tell me how he feels..but then that would be wrong of him on every level of being a gentleman i suppose...i dunno..perhaps I'm wrong...perhaps he really is trying to get rid of me without hurting my feelings..i wish i had a clue..it would be a lot less difficult on my end if i knew.

Not sure if that link will work but that's how I'm pretty much feeling atm.

I dunno I'm probably living in some pipe dream that at some point he will actually love me..but who really knows for sure..i guess it's best things stay as they are and we just be close friends..i just love talking to him tho..and being with him...makes me feel so very safe..

I've been spending a lot of time writing Dale while he's in prison..that still breaks my heart..knowing now that we can never be together..our whole future,..ruined on one slight mistake. Sad how the love of your life ends in the two of you still wanting to be together but not being able to...I guess life goes on tho, Right?

Jas has recently re-entered my life...and found out he has two children that i never knew about..that makes me happy that he has that..he needs that in his life..i hate that he hid it from me..but i could never be angry enough to let it bother me...i am just happy that his life is turning around..

The kids are doing well..they are struggling still, but every day they are growing stronger and smarter, and that's what matters most..I love them with all my heart and i will happily raise them all alone if that's what needs to happen. I hope that i'm not alone forever, but this is sometimes what is necessary...not everyone is meant to have someone i suppose...perhaps i'm one of those people..

Anyway, time for me to go...I know no one is reading this so kinda pointless to say post something or whatever..but in case someone is...i hope you are well and feel free to comment.

Clue

You tell me not to give up on this the fight
and that sometimes life just isn't right
Then you tell me to try with all my might
That i should just accept life with all it's blight

Yet the cold heart inside my chest still bleeds red.
And I lay here night after night crying on my bed.
As reminders of all the words you've said
Just run rampantly throughout my weary head

I tell you this life isn't the life i wish to live.
that there is more to this life than i wish to give
Somehow i can't seem to let go or to forgive
And all the memories i just manage to relive

So I lay here tonight as thoughts run around my mind
My thoughts haunt me over and over, all of the time
And nothing more do I hope for than for you to be mine
But no longer do you wish for our bodies to entwine.

So in silence i sit and contemplate my own fate.
And wonder if it's truly my life in which i wish to take
And if it is possible to give up and completely forsake
As I lay here on my bed wishing to never again awake.

While i lay here weeping silently on this bed we once shared.
I contemplate all that has gone on and if you really cared.
And i wonder if it mattered at all that my heart was bared.
And your leaving was the only thing in life i really feared.

But when I sit and think about all that has come about.
And that I hoped you'd believe in me without a doubt.
I thought that I made you see that it's you i can't live without.
I've come to realize that we were never on the same route.

And as my heart lies here bleeding tears for you.
I know now that there was never anything i could truly do.
To make you search your heart and make you be true.
It's now that i understand that i never even had a clue

Soul Mates

I search for the words to express how i feel for you.
I don't feel there are enough words that will ever do
I am merely a human, with human words to speak.
Expressing these feelings i feel are what i truly I seek.

As i sit here trying to write this poem for you
I realize nothing even compares to how much i adore
I start a sentence and then have to erase once again
So now here i sit quietly and wonder how i begin

Do i speak of how beautiful your eyes shine?
Or how happy i am to know that you are mine.
Or do i try to explain how it feels to be in your arms
And how much i am lost in your wonderful charms.

Do i tell you how every time we touch I come alive.
It's your understanding of all these things that i strive.
Of how the passion explodes inside like a bomb
How being with you makes me feel tranquil and calm

I get lost every time i look into your eyes
And how from your love i would never hide
But how do i express these in the way i should
Oh my love how i truly wish that i could

How do i explain to you how i feel about it all
Of how into your arms i always wish to always fall
Or how i feel our souls are entwined as one
And how i believe that you truly are the one

There is only one word in which comes close
To explaining to you what i feel the most
And that is that i feel that we are soul mates
Forever and ever as one, this i feel is our fate

But alas it is merely a word that doesn't compare
To how much i love to run my fingers through your hair
Or how much i love to kiss your soft, tender lips
Or how much passion fills me when you touch my hips

All i can seem to muster are the words 'i love you'
And if you ever left me i would forever be blue
These words could never compare to what i feel
But I love you forever and i always will.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father , "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."


The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Shades of Gray

Do you ever wonder what it would be like
If life were completely black and white?
Where there are no colors to differentiate
Or those gray areas which i truly hate.

No beautiful rainbows up in the sky
No worry or wonder or questions of why.
When there's no need for the red white and blue
Or having to contemplate what you need to do

And if there were no beautiful array of colors
Or no need to decide how to spend your dollars
What would we do without the different hues.
And wondering what exactly what we should do

What would it be like without shades of gray
Does anyone ever really long for that day?
And how sad would this life be without all of this
Ever wonder the magnitude of all there really is

In this world in which we seem to merely exist
Tis something to think about, i truly do insist.
This world, in all its beauty, is an immeasurable pleasure
For without it all, there would be nothing to treasure

My Birth Chart

Name: Candy
March 3 1970
2:45 PM Time Zone is CST
Springfield, MO

Rising Sign is in 02 Degrees Leo
You love to be the center of attention and you want to appear strong, confident and

dominant. You are very proud of yourself, sometimes quite vain even. When all

around you are bedraggled and falling apart, you look like a million bucks! Very

dignified and honorable, you enjoy the power and privilege, but not the

responsibilities, that come with leadership. You are very idealistic but can also

be quite stubborn. Others impress you only if they have integrity (but wealth,

power and influence can also turn your head). You prefer rich, elegant surroundings

and possessions, and will try to acquire them as your budget allows. Physically,

you are very impressive - - at your best you have a regal, charismatic demeanor and

bearing. Try not to be such a showoff!

Sun is in 12 Degrees Pisces.
Extremely sensitive and emotional, you absorb the emotions of others (whether

positive or negative) like a sponge. Emotionally vulnerable, you are easily upset

and tend to cry readily. You are at your best when you can structure your

environment in such a way that you are surrounded by positive, upbeat people. You

are very helpful and understanding of the needs of others. Indeed, at times this

can be a disadvantage, because you can be a sucker for anyone who needs help. Shy,

dreamy, romantic in nature, you delight in retreating into your private fantasy

world. Just be careful that you do not get lost in it! Trust your intuitions -- you

may be quite psychic.

Moon is in 19 Degrees Capricorn.
You are serious and shy and very uncomfortable in those situations where

spontaneous and exuberant emotional reactions seem called for. An achiever, you

prefer doing practical, worthwhile things that produce tangible results. You need

role models to respect, love and emulate. You tend to feel that you're a failure

unless you get an important and highly respected position in life. Don't be so hard

on yourself! For you, practical needs always win out over emotional considerations.

Remember that you too have the right to comfort, security and love. Dutiful and

patient, when you make an emotional commitment, you sign on for the long haul --

your love is long- enduring.

Mercury is in 26 Degrees Aquarius.
You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and

are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original

thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You

appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually

fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and

unemotional about most things.

Venus is in 22 Degrees Pisces.
You have a dreamy, fanciful, romantic nature and a very creative imagination.

Indeed, at times, your private fantasies are more appealing than the reality around

you and it is difficult for you to leave them. You tend to be unselfish and giving

in relationships and are extremely sensitive of the needs of others. Be very sure

that those you help are worthy of your devotion and are not merely taking advantage

of your innocence and naivete.

Mars is in 27 Degrees Aries.
You are very independent and self-assertive, and you have lots of physical energy.

You are not satisfied unless you can be the first to do something. As such, you are

more comfortable in leadership positions than you are as an underling. When you are

challenged by anyone for anything, you delight in the competitive process and will

fight long and hard for your beliefs. You are bold and courageous and often act

without thinking. At times, in your zeal to get ahead, you are tactless and

offensive -- learn that cooperation with others can often bring you nearer to your

goals quicker because of the support you will get.

Jupiter is in 05 Degrees Scorpio.
You love to dig deep beneath surface appearances in order to find out what is

really happening. A persistent researcher, you are very interested in the

psychology of any situation. You tend to become overwhelmed by the complexity of

what you uncover, however, and that makes you a bit gun-shy about explaining things

to others. But you must learn to try to communicate as best you can because what

you know is really very valuable to others.

Saturn is in 05 Degrees Taurus.
Complete freedom of choice makes you ill at ease. You must have a firm, ordered,

secure foundation in your life in order to feel comfortable. You do not adapt

easily and tend to fear the new and untried. You constantly fear that you do not

have enough (love, property, material things, etc.) and this makes you tend toward

being selfish, withdrawn and stingy. If you try to surround yourself with

supportive people in your environment, you will become more emotionally self-

supporting.

Uranus is in 07 Degrees Libra.
You, as well as your entire peer group, have a very free, unstable and

unconventional approach to relationships and emotional commitments. You will be

attracted to experiments in marriage and shared lifestyles. Personal freedom is

more important to you than entangling emotional bonds. In the realm of art and

aesthetics, you are attracted to the bizarre, shocking and unusual.

Neptune is in 00 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and

idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The

most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of

humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance.

You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

Pluto is in 26 Degrees Virgo.
For your entire generation, this will be a time when profound changes in society's

attitude toward work, duty and responsibility will be initiated. Radical changes in

attitudes toward personal health and general nutrition will be promulgated and gain

wide acceptance and practice.

N. Node is in 11 Degrees Pisces.
You're attracted to others who need your assistance. You seem to go out of your way

to form relationships with those who are weak, sick, injured, addicted or troubled

in some way or other. At your best you can indeed provide the relief that others

need. But at times you can be victimized by those who would prey on your good

nature and take advantage of you. This can lead to all sorts of negative situations

-- make sure that those you assist are truly worthy of your time, energy and

commitment. A little enlightened self-protectiveness on your part can make your

life work much, much smoother!

Random Useless Facts About me.

I have a brackish fish tank, which if you don't know what this means..it means it's half saltwater, half fresh..i had 2 fish..but my spotted puffer fish died. Now i just have a black fined shark.

I love to play cards of any sort but don't play a lot in person, mainly online..especially on full tilt poker. I love hold'em but my passion is hi/lo Omaha.

I also love to play pool and will play every chance i get, i even have my own pool cue, chalk and chalk bag.

I am allergic to grass, pollen, pet dander, ragweed, and many other substances..I am also deathly allergic to bees and wasps of any sort.

I have 2 children,a 10 year old boy and 8 year old girl. They are my heart and soul. I had had another child, but he died before he was born..he was to be named Tristan Zacharia Fulks.

I suffer from Post traumatic stress disorder, and have been a hermit in the past, in fact for 3 years i was.

I work at waffle house as a cook, cooking is my passion, i love it greatly and am very good at what i do.

I am a pessimist at heart, but i do still believe that true love and soul mates exist.

I am a very smart woman, but when it comes to men, i am as stupid as they come.

I was married for 7 years, have been divorced for 8. Still hope that someday my ex husband will somehow turn back into the man he was before he started drinking. Oddly sometimes i wish that we could have that fairy tale marriage that everyone dreams of...but i know it will never happen.

I almost always wear black, i was goth long before goth was cool..but i don't really see myself as goth anymore. I am just who i am, and you'll have to deal with me without the label attached.

I am stronger than i sometimes seem, yet more fragile than i let most people see.

My favorite month is October, my favorite season is fall and my favorite time of night is dusk.

My favorite color is deep purple, but i tell everyone my favorite colors are blue and purple always.

I have a degree in law, mostly paralegal degree, i have started working on a culinary arts degree but currently not attending school for many reasons.

I hate to go shopping, i never carried a purse til i found out i was diabetic 3 years ago, now i carry one on occasion but it's very rare.

I am esselen indian, cherokee indian, mexican and scotch irish mix. I tell everyone i am native american and refused to be called a white girl, cus i'm not.

My first and currently only tat is a heart with the chinese symbol of love inside it, i got it because the love of my life has the chinese symbol of love on his shoulder and it is there to remind me of the greatest love of my life.

I do not and have not watched tv in about 3 years, however i do download or stream certain shows like CSI and NCIS but i haven't even been doing that lately.

I read my horoscope every day, i don't really believe in them but i do believe in astrology.

I do not believe in God, but i do believe in most native american spiritualities and i will not go into detail about that..it's just easier to tell people i'm not religious and let them deal with that fact.

I am very opinionated, just ask me!

I am also a fairly honest person, i do sometimes tell lil white lies to keep from hurting people but it's rare..i'd rather be straight up with people..some don't deal w/ that well so i tell them what i think they wanna hear. I prefer brutal honesty.

I sleep with a fan on always, even if it's winter, and most of the time sleep w/o a cover or a blanket of any sort.

I am currently writing a novel and also working on an autobiography that i will probably never finish.

I love to write poetry, but i think i suck at it, still doesn't stop me from writing tho

I am a hopeless romantic but i refuse to let most people see that side of me.

I am very sarcastic and seem very outgoing to most people who meet me, but when you get me home or alone, you learn that i'm actually a very quiet and laid back person.

I hate drama, i despise anything involving drama, yet somehow or another drama finds me at every turn of my life.

I recently stepped down as a manager at waffle house to get away from drama and am quite happy being where i am now.


I used to, and still do on occasion, sleep with a teddy bear, i still haven't gotten used to sleeping alone.

I sleep with my laptop next to me in my bed, and still sleep on the edge of my king sized bed.

I am a bit of a pack rat and a neat freak all in one, but my time at home is short and so my room looks like a tornado hit it most of the time, but it drives me crazy.

I am obsessed with washing my hands, but not OCD kind of obsessed...yet...

I secretly believe that fairy tales like Cinderella come true, just the modern day version of them.

I have an extreme loathing for people who are stupid.

I do not deal well with the fact that most people do not know the difference between 'too' and 'to' and 'your' and 'you're' It drives me insane!!!

I am addicted to text messaging!

I am allergic to coconut.

I don't care for squash and i will not eat okra or asparagus.

I believe in and feel ghosts around me all the time.

I do believe my grandma is my guardian angel.

I can break 2 eggs at the same time w/o breaking the yokes. I can also break them on the ceiling and put them in a bowl w/o breaking them.

I am severely scared of tornadoes and was picked up by one when i was a small child.

Even though i'm very scared of tornadoes, i am very facinated by them and would love to be a storm chaser, but my fear stands in the way of that.

I have an almost, if not, unhealthy obsession with serial killers and death.

I am not a violent person, but when push comes to shove i can kick some ass!

I am very good natured, always there to help a friend, and it tends to get me hurt a lot!

I love oatmeal raisin cookies, they are my favorite.

I also love strawberry swirled ice cream, especially if it has real strawberries in it.

I love diet mountain dew, before i was a diabetic i drank either it or Dr. Pepper.

When it comes to cooking, i'm a bit of a show-off, i love to do different tricks with eggs and the pans etc as i'm cooking.

I am a people watcher, it entertains me to see what people are doing, i am not sure why but it is hours of fun for me. lol

I am 5'5" tall.

I have brown eyes, but most will say they look either yellow or green. I tell everyone they are amber...just seems easier

A few months ago i cut 2 feet off of my hair, it went down passed my ass.

I am a sucker for guys with blue or green eyes, i just can't seem to stop staring into them.

I hate being tickled.

I have 3 brothers and a sister, but i also have an adopted brother and sister (they were my step-mother's children) I didn't know they were even adopted by my father until after he died a few years ago.

I have 2 guinea pigs, we used to have 3..but one died. They are named Winny the Pig and Arnold Schwarzenegger...we call him arnie for short.

My favorite movie is Legends of the Fall.

My dream is to one day own and operate my own restaurant.

My favorite flower is the daffodil.

I am mostly a pacifist.

I am a tree hugger...don't hate...

That's enough for now... perhaps i'll write more later..

Love and Friends...

Wow, i haven't written in here in a long time..Where to begin is the issue...Well the guy i used to talk about and i broke things off...in some ways, i guess it was for the best, but i miss him very much.

I have been dating someone new..he's 43, 10 years older than the last guy i was dating. He has 2 children, both boys; they are 18 and 21. He is recently separated from his wife of 22 years. We are taking things slowly and things seem to be going fairly well. He is really a great guy, he has time to spend with me and does spend as much time as possible with me. I just fear that i'm headed for another heartache here...he's not ready to settle down..i fear that i am his rebound girl...we've had many discussions about it and both have agreed we'd take things one day at a time. We are both supposed to be dating other people...but me dating more than one person is not that easy for me to do.

The guy i used to date, the one i mentioned above, stopped by to see me the other day...all those old feelings came right back up. It was a good night though...i suppose it gave me some closure, but at the same time made me want...again...what i can't have. I know that more now than before, and i know i gotta just let it go...so that's what i plan to do.

John, my ex husband, has decided to not allow me to see my son, so tomorrow morning i'm going to the courthouse to file a paper which will bring this to the judges attention...160 bux it's going to cost me..more money than what i can afford to part with right now. Ahh...but that is my life, isn't it?

I have started working at a new store, things are going okay over there i guess...i don't really have any friends anymore, i've found. Brian, one of our regulars, has turned out to be more of a friend than the people i've known for years and years...Isn't that sad?

I haven't talked to April in ages. I go up to visit her at work, but she rarely even talks to me. It bothers me a great deal. But, i guess..again..that's my life.

As i said before, my guy and i have an open relationship, several guys have shown lots of interest in me...but no one worthwhile...i guess i want too much, i am not looking for a sex fling, i want something with some stability and i get that with dale, the guy i've been seeing. What i want, is the relationship i had with Charlie, but with time together...god i miss him and i hate that i miss him!

James and i have become pretty close, he has started calling me his best friend..and he should cus i've bent over backward for him...he owes me a bunch of money, which i know i'll never see..but it's okay. His roommate is after me, he's 51 and way not my type, but i like him otherwise, he is really nice, if only he'd get off the kick of dating me, that'd be great. I really liked james a lot..but i am glad things didn't work out between us, i need friends more than anything..now if i could just get him to stop relying on me every time he needs something and focus more time on spending time w/ me as a friend, i'd be happier about it.

My ex, Zack, showed back up in town..he's been demanding my attention, but it seems he's turned out to be more like James than i can stand. I don't like it when people try to use me...i have next to nothing, what's the point? It's weird seeing him again, we've had an on again, off again, thing for years and years. He still sees us as two people that belong together...ugh! no, i really don't think so...i just can't go back, i can't get past all the lies...i dunno...

Alex and i have been talking a bit lately..it's still really hard...time doesn't seem to close that wound no matter how hard i try.

Well i guess i should wrap this up. I'm not really sure what else to talk about right now...hopefully i will start writing in this again..but who knows...

My Brothers...

As i was growing up, my brothers were..hellions..for lack of a better word..they were always trying to supp something up, or tear it up in some way, shape or form..they were always out for some good times..for them...not anyone else.. They liked to cause trouble and they loved to be mean, i think it's still their main goals in life..not sure...at any rate, when i was around 4 or 5 years old i had this big red trike. I loved that thing...We also had a large dog, his name was Baddude...and let me tell ya, he lived up to his name... He was half German Sheppard and half Alaskan husky. He was one big ol dog..he was also a former trained police dog, best dog i've had in my life, bar none. Anyways, he had a bit of a temper, for example, you could not pet him while he was eating, or he'd take your arm off...He chased cars down the street, he loved shiny hub caps..he chased the mail man..we had him chained up on a CAR TOWING CHAIN and that dog literally snapped the thing once a week. My father would get annoyed cus those things are costly after a while. Sorry i go off on tangents but i hope it helps you understand them a lil better..if not, let me know and i'll stop getting myself side tracked, i really don't put much thought into my grammar, etc cus i'm busy trying to tell you the story and not anything else..so pretty much what i type is what i'd be saying if you were sitting in front of me..w/ exception of this paragraph of course lol Back to my story now..So this one beautiful winter morning, it snowed, not much but about 4 or 5 inches. I loved the snow, just loved it, but all kids do...anyway, i grabbed my trike and i was riding it along where the sidewalk should be, i was having a great time..then my brothers were riding their bikes out in the street...well they heard the dog bark, and somehow or another a light bulb came up over one of their heads and next thing i know... They grab baddude from the back yard, and they have him on a lead, they attach it to my bike,..he's half sled dog..so yea, let's make candy's bike into a sled! Sure why not! Let's go...*frowns a lil* Anyway, they get him all tied up and put me on my trike..and then suddenly, a car comes down the road..and oh yes, it just HAD to have shiny hubcaps..yes indeed..so baddude, barking, spitting, drooling, running at top speed chases the car and away i go with him...i fall off quickly but somehow manage to grab hold of the flat piece of the back axle and so then i'm body surfing in the snow..i'm screaming, crying, pleading baddude to stop..i next see my father fly out of the house and ask the boys wth they were doing,..they are like..dunno ...and run off on their bikes and go hide.. Meanwhile, still attached to the trike and the dog, i'm still sailing down the street, and finally the car got to the end of the road...luckily for me, baddude would not go off of our road, so he came to a dead stop. I finally stood up and whapped baddude on the head and went crying to my daddy. Pops asked me what happened and so i tell him..he turns like 50 shades of red before he starts calling for the boys..they come running, scared as hell...Pops beat the asses and sent them to their room for a week over it, but they still laugh about how funny it was watching me sailing down the road.. It is funny now, looking back it's a riot, but back then it scared me silly. But it's a good memory and one i will always cherish of the time when innocence was still there and happiness was riding your trike in the snow and making snow angels in the snow was a great time had by all..

Okay...

As i was growing up, my brother, Warren, had 3 best friends in this wide world: Sammy, Donnie and Brian. In the past few months, both Bri and Donnie died from drug related suicide. Sammy, however, has not been seen by any of us in years. When i was 12-13 years old, Sammy stayed at our house with us as he had no where to go. The boys all called my mother mom and we were a family...They were all like brothers to me. Donnie, above all, was there for me in times where no one else was..was more of a brother to me than the 3 real brothers and adopted brother that i have. I will tell you more about him later, i'm sure, as i miss him dearly and think about him all the time.

Anyway, back to my story...Sammy lived with us for around a year, slept on the couch and was just like one of the family. I spent a lot of time watching tv with him after everyone went to bed. I really enjoyed spending time around him, i thought he was great. Being the child that i was, it never occurred to me that i needed to worry about how i dressed or how i acted around boys much. I knew i always had to wear a shirt and something that covered my butt, my mother was very emphatic about such things. But, around my brothers, i always wore a shirt and panties before i went to bed and when i got up in the morning, so i felt that this practice was a normal. So, i did this around sammy too, cus again, he was like a brother to me..i never realized there should be a distinction..not til after.....

One night i was lying on the couch watching tales from the crypt or something similar, i am very into horror stories/movies so i'm sure that's why i was up so late. Sammy came in, drunker than drunk, staggered to the couch and i hopped up just in time for him to not sit on me. He laughs and then plops down on the couch and looks at me and smiles. I smile back then go lie down on the floor in front of the tv and continue watching my show. Sammy starts hiccuping and i turn and laugh at him then he just stares at me...his expression went to smile to that of something i can't even begin to explain. He stares me up and down and then tells me to come sit with him on the couch, i tell him no..something about him seemed...strange...He just looks at me again and demands this time to come sit with him. I felt that if i didn't, he was going to get angry and i didn't want him waking my mom up...she never liked me staying up so late. So with that said, i went and sat on the couch next to him and we sat and watched the tv for about 10mins or so. Sammy started rubbing his leg up and down his thigh, and i glanced over a few times and he'd just stare at me and lick his lips...

I wonder so much now what was going thru his head besides sex..he shoulda known if warren found out, he'd kill him...my brother was then..and still is...mean as hell! He was a fighter for sure, always in trouble for the law for assault. Anyway, sammy grabs me and kisses me. I kiss him back not even thinking about it then i quickly pull away..he says no, kiss me now. I tell him no and he kisses me anyway, shoving his tongue deeply into my mouth and i let out a small squeal. He then breaks the kiss and grabs me by both arms and tells me if i don't shut up he'd wake my mom..again this was my worst nightmare, my mother would have been so very mad. Sammy then says, "you've been teasing me since i got home, wearing that lil scrub top and panties and sprawling out on the floor in front of me..I'm going to show you what happens to girls who tease!" I just look at him and try to sputter out a reason, but then his mouth was hard upon mine and i had no way to speak. I tried to struggle, shook my head, tried to say no..but nothing worked... He placed his hand between my thighs and i immediately slammed them shut, but he was stronger than me...next he had his fingers inside of me and there was no getting away at that point and i knew it...he tossed me down on the couch and got on top of me before he quickly undid his pants and was pushing himself into me. One of his hands was on my mouth the other was near my neck, in a choke hold but he was not choking me. He just kept repeating to me, "this is what lil teases get, don't make a sound or i will wake your mom and what do you think she's going to say to you fucking me?" I started bawling my eyes out, but as quietly as i could, the pain was unbearable and the fear inside me had grown to the point i wanted to vomit. I knew better tho..knew if i did, i'd get something way worse than the punishment he was already giving me... Finally he finishes what he's doing and let's me go. I run up the stairs as quietly as i can and close the door and lock it behind me w/ a butter knife and then sit against it, still sobbing uncontrollably. I could feel the dampness between my legs from him and i realized then i was bleeding and i started crying even more. I hopped up and opened the window and ended up vomiting til i was dry heaving then went and collapsed on my bed and went to sleep. The next morning when i woke up i realized i had bruises on both arms from where he had grabbed me, and even tho it was warm that whole week i wore long sleeved shirts.

I was visibly shaken the next morning when i went downstairs and he was there. He just looked at me in bewilderment,..i don't think he remembered a thing...He left later that day and never was to come back in my house to sleep, so i never bothered to tell anyone, i knew they wouldn't believe me...when i finally told them later (i just told them about 4 years ago), they still didn't believe me at first.. I ran into sammy years later and when we were alone i asked him why..he claimed he never did such a thing, tried to make me believe it was just some kind of dream..i slapped the shit out of him and walked off, i have yet to see him since...i just hope that karma gives him back what he deserves for the suffering and pain i have went through all my life...Even to this day i have issues with certain things, especially after telling my story to someone because it rehashes all those memories..and as you can probably tell, i remember just like it was yesterday.

Guilt and Death...

I lost a close friend last year, Ray, some of you may have read my blog about him then and a cpl of days ago..His presence has been all around me for days now. I feel him constantly near. It used to bug me when i felt a presence of someone long gone but now i embrace it cus i think they do it cus they feel i need them to be nearby.


At any rate, i kind of think that part of the reason why is cus i felt guilt-ridden for some time after his tragic death about something really stupid that i've never bothered to whisper to a soul. So tonight i feel the need to put it in here so i can get it off my chest, so to speak...i was supposed to go out w/ Ray the night after he passed on..he had an aneurysm and it burst, he was in the hospital on life support for hours while the family and close relatives said their goodbyes. What hurt me the most is i never had the chance to say my goodbye and i guess this is why it troubles me so.

Anyway, i'm getting sidetracked..only reason i found out was because i kept calling ray and finally his mother answered the phone..and she was like 'we pulled the plug an hour ago, i'm sorry we didn't think to call you' I was devastated! So many things we had planned on doing...so much left undone..i was supposed to make a CD of a group for him that was on our jukebox at work...he really liked them and i had all their albums, but i hadn't gotten around to doing it yet. I had loaned him a psychology book and never got it back...why does stupid things like this bother me still a year later? I'll never know.

I tried to do a few things to have some closure but then Ray started showing up at my work. I wear a lil bonnet thingy most of the time, and every now and then a small breeze just big enough to flop it up over my head (something he used to do all the time) and i'd turn to look and of course he wasn't there.

Every night he came up to my work to spend time and hang out, he'd be there for hours. He was a funny man, god he would crack me up so much..we'd laugh the night away and work seemed to go by so much faster when he was there. He always sat up at the same spot at the counter and for months after his death i couldn't deal w/ anyone sitting there but me. It made me so angry..i'd be like you can't sit there ray's sitting there! I know that it was because i felt him there....then one day he just went away...

The day of his death was the first time in ages i had felt his presence again and it scared me a lil when it happened. I was sitting on my bed, where i am now, and i was crying, thinking about him and some other stuff going on in my life..

I recently broke up w/ a guy i was dating, but i'll get into that later..

I felt Ray lay his head on my shoulder and somehow everything seemed so clear...He was saying to me..hey i'm here and you'll be okay, there are other guys out there...etc etc

Something Ray was good at, cheering me up..something not easy to do when i go into bouts of depression, ask anyone who has known me for long periods of time..

I could be crying and he could make me burst out laughing w/ just the smallest of phrases.

Anyway, Ray, i'm sorry for not making that CD for you, and never having the time to go out and play pool like we had planned. I hope you know that i will always love ya buddy, and i refuse to forget you..ever! I hope you're in a better place, i truly do. Thank you for all that you've done for me in the past and all that you still seem to do. I miss you.

Well..

It seems i've really blown it with my guy, he won't even speak to me. It's really hard cus he has had so lil time for me and made me feel like he didn't care...I'm realizing more and more now that i'm in love with him and him not talking to me is killing me. I think the reason is he wants to talk to me about all of it when we have time to talk together. I could be wrong. Maybe he really has decided that he's tired of me always feeling this way and thinks i'll be better off..but i won't be. He means the world to me and i have known that for sometime.

What do i do now? Yea, Yea..i know..if it was meant to be he'll come around etc..yes i hear ya...everyone says that..bah i'm such a stupid, stupid girl.

Hmm part II

It seems like i never post anything in here when i'm in a good mood or have something good to talk about but i guess that's ok...

I sat down the other day w/ my honey and told him exactly how i was feeling about things and he's really making an honest attempt to make me happy and that's making me happier than i can say..

However the reason i am sitting here right now is because i gotta go get ready to go to a meeting i don't really want to go to and i'm upset because april just informed me that chris broke up w/ her..more about all this later cus i'm going to be late for my meeting.

hmm..

I've been sitting here staring at this blank page for probably 10 minutes now. I have so much to say yet i can't seem to manage to find a way to put it in writing. What's worse is i can't seem to make up my mind about what i want to do about any of it either.

I have mentioned in almost every blog that i'm dating someone. Dating, is that what it is when you spend hardly any time w/ them? Hmm.. He says everything i want to hear, he is so sweet, kind, caring, loving, compassionate and most of all, he listens to me. But, our physical time together, no i don't mean in a sexual way, i mean physically in every sense of the word, is few and far between. I've spent around 7 years or better being alone and i don't really care to do it anymore. What i want is for him to get this and do something about it, but seems he isn't going to...that's what bothers me the most..why doesn't he do something about it? He tells me all the time he's trying,, and i want to believe that..but i'm not hard to please, just an hour or so a week is about all i need to keep me content. Yet, i don't get that from him. Text is great, phone is great, but it's not enough for me, call me crazy. But i need physical attention also. Am i asking for too much? Cus i sure feel like i am.

As for work..some stuff happened at the bar last night,...someone told the bartender that Erin was underage and frankly i'm happy about it, but she's mad at me for it..so whatever. I wrote a long blog about this topic on myspace so i'm not going to bother to add one here also. I really don't feel the need to discuss it further.

I did finally get a raise at work and i was also told after summer i can go to days...but i'm not sure that's what i want. And if i go to waiting tables come summer's end i'm not going to make any money. But April is looking forward to being a manager and i guess for that reason i should end my reign as waffle house manager.......hmm..yea

It's Been a While...

It's been almost 20 days since the last time i can honestly say i felt happy. 20 days? God...It's been a long week, really has been rough on me. Donnie died a few days ago. I can't believe he's gone. It has been some time since i last saw him but the pain is still there. Brian died, i guess what's been a mth ago. Why do all my old friends have to start dropping like flies?

Drugs..fucking drugs..when will people get a clue that this is not what they need to be doing. Look how many lives have already been taken. I've lost approximate 7 or 8 friends do to some sort of drug involvement. I've honestly lost count of how many it's actually been. *sighs* just not sure how much i can handle of all of this, it seems way too hard to fathom all the deaths. I think it's just helping me be more bitter and more angry and more jaded and more.........more cynical..the list goes on........

I digress, life isn't as miserable as i always seem to make it sound, there are some very wonderful aspects to my life. My kids..bratty as they may be, they do make me happy. My mom is a wonderful lady and i don't know why she puts up w/ me but i'm thankful that she does. Actually, after having kids i do understand why...just wish somehow i could make things easier for her, i just don't know how to go about it...perhaps one day i'll figure that one out.

As for my honey, i still miss him all the time. I know in my heart he misses me too, but i'm so damn lonely and i really want to be with him as often as possible. I guess i really am too clingy...ahh....what can you do tho? I guess i have to keep holding on cus i can't let him go, i don't think i even want to try. He really is a great guy. So i guess it's more loneliness for me til the situation changes..

Anyway, very tired. So time for sleep. Have a good day whoever you are that reads my blog.

Candy

Frustration...

As most people already know, i go out every Sunday night. Last night was no exception to this 'rule'. But last night was a night unlike I've had in so many years, it's hard to even fathom how long it's actually been since i got so angry.

To explain..first, we got to the bar and Maggie, the waitress, tells us that we have to stay in the room downstairs because they are going to clean the carpet..which annoyed me because there's only one pool table down stairs and someone was already playing on it. A little annoyance only, i accepted that and moved on.

So after that, we get our drinks and Adam and i start playing pool while April plays the jukebox. Normally April plays a lot of music that i love, but last night she plays a lot of country..normally i love country, but when i'm drinking, it's not a good combination to keep me in good spirits. I've been pretty depressed about not getting to see my honey very often so listening to sad, sappy country is not really something i need to do when i'm drinking...But again, that's another minor annoyance that normally i wouldn't let get to me.

Then...another minor annoyance comes to pass, Amanda shows up. First off, i don't care much for Amanda lately anyway, i don't know what her beef is with me and i don't really care..but her attitude with me as of late has been less than favorable. However, she's still a minor and has no business being in a bar to begin with, let alone drinking there!! She and Erin both should not be there. So if that's not bad enough, Bridget's 15 year old daughter also shows up...I go out to get away from kids not be around them. So this again makes me even more upset.

So with all these people there (approximately 10-12 in our group alone) the bar was really busy, and they only have one waitress on Sundays, so she was working her ass off and too busy to get us drinks. Plus our normal bartender was not there, so that made matters worse, cus the girl didn't know how to make my drink right *grumbles*

Okay so, the night progresses, and it's not long before everyone starts making it really difficult for me and Adam to play pool. We had to stop constantly cus the drunk girls were in the way either sitting on the end of the table right next to the pool table or up dancing on each other. Normally this wouldn't bug me so much, but again, all the other things combined did not go well with me. After a couple hours of them not being respectful enough to stay out of the way i finally just started not caring if i hit them and kept playing..something I'd normally NEVER do. So my attitude upset me even more....

Time progresses on, Linda shows up and the first words out of her mouth were asking if my guy had shown up and of course for whatever reason he wasn't able to come, and that was fine, but it made me more upset. I told her immediately that i was leaving soon and she asked me why and i stated the above things that i was already upset about, and told her that i just wasn't in the mood to deal with all the crap tonight and she understood, hugged me and went on to talk to the rest of the gang.

Well, Adam got busy chatting with the girls and watching them rub all over one another, which yes..got me more upset, hard to play pool with someone who's not paying attention. Bad move on his part really, but i understand why he did this, cus it was hard to not pay attention to them, they were always in the way. But already pissed off Candy...yea..anyway, so i started playing pool by myself, i played 2 games, cleared the table both times, put my pool cue back in its case and headed to the bar to cash out. (because we are regulars they let me keep a tab.)

As i was walking out to leave, krys saw that i was leaving and asked me why, then 3 others were there, and i was like, nothing i just wanna go home etc. So i just keep doing what i'm doing, and head out to my car as if they weren't there, and of course, half of em follow me out wanting to know why i'm so upset and leaving without saying goodbye.

Granted, i shouldn't have been so heartless or whatever, but my momma always said, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything...and at that moment nothing i had to say would be nice, so i tried to leave without causing a fuss, or causing them to have less of a fun time. Krys was really upset with me because she came out there to hang with me, and of course Adam also. Krys and April both sat in my car while i was trying to pull out, and i was half tempted to just take them home with me instead of dealing with them..but then Linda came out, and i can't just pretend like nothing is wrong at this point. So i flat out tell them..'this is my place to chill, my place to get away from the fucking world, to get away from the children etc, and there are 3 minors with us tonight and 2 of them are drinking and getting stupid drunk and it is going to get us all banned from this place, and this is MY place to chill.' Selfish, i know, i know..but still, they don't belong there!!

Anyways, i finally agreed to go down to carriage house with them for breakfast, but i left with Linda and she and i kicked back down there and ate until they showed up. Then we went outside for a smoke and left not long after. I was glad for Linda being there, had she not, i'm not sure how much longer i would have been able to hold my tongue toward the damn minors.

At any rate, i'm done with my rant of the day, I am upset with myself for being such an ass last night, it's not like me...But stressor on top of stressor is never good. Eventually a person has to fold under the pressure of it all.

Vacation?

So far my vacation hasn't been much of a ..vacation..i've had to go in to work to change the drawer out now 2 times this week...and tonight i sat from 9-1:30 helping train the new guy cus no one else was there to train him..sucks..but i did what any GOOD manager should do..but will it be noticed by anyone important? Nope..will i get a raise for it..nope...so why do it...i'm too nice a person..i know i am..but how come so few people notice these things. I should be somewhere nice and basking in the sun..something fun and exciting..but instead I'm just hanging out doing my laundry and being annoyed by my exs and other fun things like that..man what a vacation.

I thought for sure I'd get to see my guy more often..but i am still having a hard time finding time to spend with him..rather he's having a hard time finding time to spend w/ me..cus what else do i have to do after all? nothing..He keeps telling me that it's not anything I'm doing wrong or that he doesn't want to spend time with me..and i want to believe him and for the most part i do..but sometimes i wonder if....yea..i hate that i wonder but i still do.. :( I think about him all the time-probably much more often than i should...Days come and days go and i keep finding myself wanting to see him more and more but i can't. I'm so lonely..god I'm lonely as hell. When i see him it makes it all better but i get to see him so rarely..i'm not sure how long i can stand it.

My mom took me out to dinner tonight, normally it's me taking her out to dinner..it was sorta strange..it kinda makes me wonder what bad news she has to tell me but i'm trying my best to be optimistic...that's not an easy feat for me. I'm glad she did tho i really did enjoy spending time w/ her outside of the house..it seems all we ever do is walk by each other all the time. I love her with all my heart, but she has to be one of the hardest people to tell that to....perhaps someday.

Anyway, i guess that's all i have to say for tonight. Take care whoever might be reading this.

Gas prices and other craziness...

Well today is the first day of my 9 day vacation and i'm so excited to have the time off and not have to deal w/ this bs anymore! Well for 9 days anyway.

Last night was a pretty odd night, one of our regular customers....we call him stalker jim..he handed me an envelope w/ 150 bux in it..to get tags on my car..i seriously considered giving it back to him but changed my mind cus i really do need to get tags on my car..it was a nice gesture..guess i should buy him a thank you card. :) Wow, i cannot believe it, still freaked out a lil by it, cus after all, it is stalker jim and we do call him that for good reason.

So overnight gas prices rose up to $3.14 a gallon...HOLY CRAP!! What is this country coming to? I understand that it is important for companies to make a profit, but this is just gross abuse of power!

I recently read somewhere that now some of the gas corporations are now grossing over 1 billion dollars more a year because of the price hike!!!! This is seriously out of hand..when is it going to stop? I guess this is what we get for having a president in the office who has family in the oil business eh?

Anyway, enough ranting about that..Linda and i are going out to see our friend, justin, and his band play out at the Roadhouse, i'm pretty excited about going to see him cus i haven't seen him in a long time and their show has such energy..i cannot wait! :) I just wish my honey was coming with us...*sighs* i sure miss him..

At any rate, hope everyone has a good evening, i need to go get ready for my first Saturday off in 3 years :)

Sleep and Dreams

To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;~~Shakespeare..

Ahh..sometimes death sounds so much better than the
horrid dreams that i have sometimes. God my
mind really is fucked up..

Anyway, not much else to say, everything
is back to normal in candy's lil world and other
than missing my honey, i am basically just
tired today...i need to sleep...