Love and Friends...

Wow, i haven't written in here in a long time..Where to begin is the issue...Well the guy i used to talk about and i broke things off...in some ways, i guess it was for the best, but i miss him very much.

I have been dating someone new..he's 43, 10 years older than the last guy i was dating. He has 2 children, both boys; they are 18 and 21. He is recently separated from his wife of 22 years. We are taking things slowly and things seem to be going fairly well. He is really a great guy, he has time to spend with me and does spend as much time as possible with me. I just fear that i'm headed for another heartache here...he's not ready to settle down..i fear that i am his rebound girl...we've had many discussions about it and both have agreed we'd take things one day at a time. We are both supposed to be dating other people...but me dating more than one person is not that easy for me to do.

The guy i used to date, the one i mentioned above, stopped by to see me the other day...all those old feelings came right back up. It was a good night though...i suppose it gave me some closure, but at the same time made me want...again...what i can't have. I know that more now than before, and i know i gotta just let it go...so that's what i plan to do.

John, my ex husband, has decided to not allow me to see my son, so tomorrow morning i'm going to the courthouse to file a paper which will bring this to the judges attention...160 bux it's going to cost me..more money than what i can afford to part with right now. Ahh...but that is my life, isn't it?

I have started working at a new store, things are going okay over there i guess...i don't really have any friends anymore, i've found. Brian, one of our regulars, has turned out to be more of a friend than the people i've known for years and years...Isn't that sad?

I haven't talked to April in ages. I go up to visit her at work, but she rarely even talks to me. It bothers me a great deal. But, i guess..again..that's my life.

As i said before, my guy and i have an open relationship, several guys have shown lots of interest in me...but no one worthwhile...i guess i want too much, i am not looking for a sex fling, i want something with some stability and i get that with dale, the guy i've been seeing. What i want, is the relationship i had with Charlie, but with time together...god i miss him and i hate that i miss him!

James and i have become pretty close, he has started calling me his best friend..and he should cus i've bent over backward for him...he owes me a bunch of money, which i know i'll never see..but it's okay. His roommate is after me, he's 51 and way not my type, but i like him otherwise, he is really nice, if only he'd get off the kick of dating me, that'd be great. I really liked james a lot..but i am glad things didn't work out between us, i need friends more than anything..now if i could just get him to stop relying on me every time he needs something and focus more time on spending time w/ me as a friend, i'd be happier about it.

My ex, Zack, showed back up in town..he's been demanding my attention, but it seems he's turned out to be more like James than i can stand. I don't like it when people try to use me...i have next to nothing, what's the point? It's weird seeing him again, we've had an on again, off again, thing for years and years. He still sees us as two people that belong together...ugh! no, i really don't think so...i just can't go back, i can't get past all the lies...i dunno...

Alex and i have been talking a bit lately..it's still really hard...time doesn't seem to close that wound no matter how hard i try.

Well i guess i should wrap this up. I'm not really sure what else to talk about right now...hopefully i will start writing in this again..but who knows...

Guilt and Death...

I lost a close friend last year, Ray, some of you may have read my blog about him then and a cpl of days ago..His presence has been all around me for days now. I feel him constantly near. It used to bug me when i felt a presence of someone long gone but now i embrace it cus i think they do it cus they feel i need them to be nearby.


At any rate, i kind of think that part of the reason why is cus i felt guilt-ridden for some time after his tragic death about something really stupid that i've never bothered to whisper to a soul. So tonight i feel the need to put it in here so i can get it off my chest, so to speak...i was supposed to go out w/ Ray the night after he passed on..he had an aneurysm and it burst, he was in the hospital on life support for hours while the family and close relatives said their goodbyes. What hurt me the most is i never had the chance to say my goodbye and i guess this is why it troubles me so.

Anyway, i'm getting sidetracked..only reason i found out was because i kept calling ray and finally his mother answered the phone..and she was like 'we pulled the plug an hour ago, i'm sorry we didn't think to call you' I was devastated! So many things we had planned on doing...so much left undone..i was supposed to make a CD of a group for him that was on our jukebox at work...he really liked them and i had all their albums, but i hadn't gotten around to doing it yet. I had loaned him a psychology book and never got it back...why does stupid things like this bother me still a year later? I'll never know.

I tried to do a few things to have some closure but then Ray started showing up at my work. I wear a lil bonnet thingy most of the time, and every now and then a small breeze just big enough to flop it up over my head (something he used to do all the time) and i'd turn to look and of course he wasn't there.

Every night he came up to my work to spend time and hang out, he'd be there for hours. He was a funny man, god he would crack me up so much..we'd laugh the night away and work seemed to go by so much faster when he was there. He always sat up at the same spot at the counter and for months after his death i couldn't deal w/ anyone sitting there but me. It made me so angry..i'd be like you can't sit there ray's sitting there! I know that it was because i felt him there....then one day he just went away...

The day of his death was the first time in ages i had felt his presence again and it scared me a lil when it happened. I was sitting on my bed, where i am now, and i was crying, thinking about him and some other stuff going on in my life..

I recently broke up w/ a guy i was dating, but i'll get into that later..

I felt Ray lay his head on my shoulder and somehow everything seemed so clear...He was saying to me..hey i'm here and you'll be okay, there are other guys out there...etc etc

Something Ray was good at, cheering me up..something not easy to do when i go into bouts of depression, ask anyone who has known me for long periods of time..

I could be crying and he could make me burst out laughing w/ just the smallest of phrases.

Anyway, Ray, i'm sorry for not making that CD for you, and never having the time to go out and play pool like we had planned. I hope you know that i will always love ya buddy, and i refuse to forget you..ever! I hope you're in a better place, i truly do. Thank you for all that you've done for me in the past and all that you still seem to do. I miss you.