Easter

Well today is Easter..A day that is so sacred to most..but to me..really isn't..but is in a small way...i'm rethinking my beliefs on God..Part of me wants so much to grasp on to the hope that others seem to find in his light. I dunno if it will matter or if i'm doing it for the right reasons..but i think in my heart i believe that i am. My children deserve a better life than i have been able to offer them..it makes me sad to look into their eyes and see so much pain..pain that i have inevitably caused.

I have been such a failure as a person and as a parent...in my life, i have many regrets..and i am trying my best to try to repair the damage that i've caused..i wish i could go back in time..as we all do..and correct the wrongs i've done..but i know i cannot do that..i can only move forward and try to make everything from today on a better world for me and the kids. I hate doing it alone though..there is so much josh needs that i just can't give him..no matter how much i want to..he needs his dad...but his dad apparently doesn't understand that anymore. I need to find someone to take him under their wing..someone that can be a father figure to him..no i don't mean to look for a mate that is a father figure but solely a father figure. Like a big brother type situation...not sure how to go about that..but i hope i eventually find a way to do it.

As far as love goes..i'm still and probably will for a long time waiting around on a certain someone. I miss him..i haven't heard from him in a couple of days..he has his own shit to deal with and i understand that..i just wish he'd allow me to be there to help but at the same time i understand that i can't be..we can't get too close right now..not yet..part of me wonders if it will ever be..or if i should stop being so selfish and back off and just be his friend and not think about anything else..i know it's what he really needs..but in my heart i know i could be the girl that he needs in his life just as i feel he is the man i need in my life...I hope that's not egotistical of me to think..but i suppose in some way it is..i dunno..i just know that there is a deepening of my feelings happening.....i'm scared of it but at the same time i embrace it, even relish in the thought that one day i could be his girl...oh if only...am i dumb to want that? I dunno..but i guess we'll find out in the end.

Hello

I haven't posted here in a long time. I have a lot of things going on right now, I'm working on getting my own place..and I'm scared but i don't like to admit that to anyone. It's been a long time since i was on my own. I hope i can do it, i think i can do it, but part of me still fears...i guess fear exists in everyone for a lot of reasons..i hope i can overcome that fear and be the parent i so need and want to be.

As for my love life..well there is a man who is special to my heart..I'm not sure if i am special to him..but in some ways i believe i am..I am kinda waiting around for him..and kinda just worrying about dealing with myself..Just as he is dealing with his own self atm...I am glad that he is..but i wish he'd tell me how he feels..but then that would be wrong of him on every level of being a gentleman i suppose...i dunno..perhaps I'm wrong...perhaps he really is trying to get rid of me without hurting my feelings..i wish i had a clue..it would be a lot less difficult on my end if i knew.

Not sure if that link will work but that's how I'm pretty much feeling atm.

I dunno I'm probably living in some pipe dream that at some point he will actually love me..but who really knows for sure..i guess it's best things stay as they are and we just be close friends..i just love talking to him tho..and being with him...makes me feel so very safe..

I've been spending a lot of time writing Dale while he's in prison..that still breaks my heart..knowing now that we can never be together..our whole future,..ruined on one slight mistake. Sad how the love of your life ends in the two of you still wanting to be together but not being able to...I guess life goes on tho, Right?

Jas has recently re-entered my life...and found out he has two children that i never knew about..that makes me happy that he has that..he needs that in his life..i hate that he hid it from me..but i could never be angry enough to let it bother me...i am just happy that his life is turning around..

The kids are doing well..they are struggling still, but every day they are growing stronger and smarter, and that's what matters most..I love them with all my heart and i will happily raise them all alone if that's what needs to happen. I hope that i'm not alone forever, but this is sometimes what is necessary...not everyone is meant to have someone i suppose...perhaps i'm one of those people..

Anyway, time for me to go...I know no one is reading this so kinda pointless to say post something or whatever..but in case someone is...i hope you are well and feel free to comment.