Easter

Well today is Easter..A day that is so sacred to most..but to me..really isn't..but is in a small way...i'm rethinking my beliefs on God..Part of me wants so much to grasp on to the hope that others seem to find in his light. I dunno if it will matter or if i'm doing it for the right reasons..but i think in my heart i believe that i am. My children deserve a better life than i have been able to offer them..it makes me sad to look into their eyes and see so much pain..pain that i have inevitably caused.

I have been such a failure as a person and as a parent...in my life, i have many regrets..and i am trying my best to try to repair the damage that i've caused..i wish i could go back in time..as we all do..and correct the wrongs i've done..but i know i cannot do that..i can only move forward and try to make everything from today on a better world for me and the kids. I hate doing it alone though..there is so much josh needs that i just can't give him..no matter how much i want to..he needs his dad...but his dad apparently doesn't understand that anymore. I need to find someone to take him under their wing..someone that can be a father figure to him..no i don't mean to look for a mate that is a father figure but solely a father figure. Like a big brother type situation...not sure how to go about that..but i hope i eventually find a way to do it.

As far as love goes..i'm still and probably will for a long time waiting around on a certain someone. I miss him..i haven't heard from him in a couple of days..he has his own shit to deal with and i understand that..i just wish he'd allow me to be there to help but at the same time i understand that i can't be..we can't get too close right now..not yet..part of me wonders if it will ever be..or if i should stop being so selfish and back off and just be his friend and not think about anything else..i know it's what he really needs..but in my heart i know i could be the girl that he needs in his life just as i feel he is the man i need in my life...I hope that's not egotistical of me to think..but i suppose in some way it is..i dunno..i just know that there is a deepening of my feelings happening.....i'm scared of it but at the same time i embrace it, even relish in the thought that one day i could be his girl...oh if only...am i dumb to want that? I dunno..but i guess we'll find out in the end.