Sunday, April 4, 2010


Well today is Easter..A day that is so sacred to most..but to me..really isn't..but is in a small way...i'm rethinking my beliefs on God..Part of me wants so much to grasp on to the hope that others seem to find in his light. I dunno if it will matter or if i'm doing it for the right reasons..but i think in my heart i believe that i am. My children deserve a better life than i have been able to offer makes me sad to look into their eyes and see so much pain..pain that i have inevitably caused.

I have been such a failure as a person and as a my life, i have many regrets..and i am trying my best to try to repair the damage that i've caused..i wish i could go back in we all do..and correct the wrongs i've done..but i know i cannot do that..i can only move forward and try to make everything from today on a better world for me and the kids. I hate doing it alone though..there is so much josh needs that i just can't give matter how much i want to..he needs his dad...but his dad apparently doesn't understand that anymore. I need to find someone to take him under their wing..someone that can be a father figure to i don't mean to look for a mate that is a father figure but solely a father figure. Like a big brother type situation...not sure how to go about that..but i hope i eventually find a way to do it.

As far as love goes..i'm still and probably will for a long time waiting around on a certain someone. I miss him..i haven't heard from him in a couple of days..he has his own shit to deal with and i understand that..i just wish he'd allow me to be there to help but at the same time i understand that i can't be..we can't get too close right now..not yet..part of me wonders if it will ever be..or if i should stop being so selfish and back off and just be his friend and not think about anything else..i know it's what he really needs..but in my heart i know i could be the girl that he needs in his life just as i feel he is the man i need in my life...I hope that's not egotistical of me to think..but i suppose in some way it is..i dunno..i just know that there is a deepening of my feelings happening.....i'm scared of it but at the same time i embrace it, even relish in the thought that one day i could be his girl...oh if i dumb to want that? I dunno..but i guess we'll find out in the end.

Monday, March 29, 2010


I haven't posted here in a long time. I have a lot of things going on right now, I'm working on getting my own place..and I'm scared but i don't like to admit that to anyone. It's been a long time since i was on my own. I hope i can do it, i think i can do it, but part of me still fears...i guess fear exists in everyone for a lot of reasons..i hope i can overcome that fear and be the parent i so need and want to be.

As for my love life..well there is a man who is special to my heart..I'm not sure if i am special to him..but in some ways i believe i am..I am kinda waiting around for him..and kinda just worrying about dealing with myself..Just as he is dealing with his own self atm...I am glad that he is..but i wish he'd tell me how he feels..but then that would be wrong of him on every level of being a gentleman i suppose...i dunno..perhaps I'm wrong...perhaps he really is trying to get rid of me without hurting my feelings..i wish i had a would be a lot less difficult on my end if i knew.

Not sure if that link will work but that's how I'm pretty much feeling atm.

I dunno I'm probably living in some pipe dream that at some point he will actually love me..but who really knows for sure..i guess it's best things stay as they are and we just be close friends..i just love talking to him tho..and being with him...makes me feel so very safe..

I've been spending a lot of time writing Dale while he's in prison..that still breaks my heart..knowing now that we can never be together..our whole future,..ruined on one slight mistake. Sad how the love of your life ends in the two of you still wanting to be together but not being able to...I guess life goes on tho, Right?

Jas has recently re-entered my life...and found out he has two children that i never knew about..that makes me happy that he has that..he needs that in his life..i hate that he hid it from me..but i could never be angry enough to let it bother me...i am just happy that his life is turning around..

The kids are doing well..they are struggling still, but every day they are growing stronger and smarter, and that's what matters most..I love them with all my heart and i will happily raise them all alone if that's what needs to happen. I hope that i'm not alone forever, but this is sometimes what is necessary...not everyone is meant to have someone i suppose...perhaps i'm one of those people..

Anyway, time for me to go...I know no one is reading this so kinda pointless to say post something or whatever..but in case someone is...i hope you are well and feel free to comment.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


You tell me not to give up on this the fight
and that sometimes life just isn't right
Then you tell me to try with all my might
That i should just accept life with all it's blight

Yet the cold heart inside my chest still bleeds red.
And I lay here night after night crying on my bed.
As reminders of all the words you've said
Just run rampantly throughout my weary head

I tell you this life isn't the life i wish to live.
that there is more to this life than i wish to give
Somehow i can't seem to let go or to forgive
And all the memories i just manage to relive

So I lay here tonight as thoughts run around my mind
My thoughts haunt me over and over, all of the time
And nothing more do I hope for than for you to be mine
But no longer do you wish for our bodies to entwine.

So in silence i sit and contemplate my own fate.
And wonder if it's truly my life in which i wish to take
And if it is possible to give up and completely forsake
As I lay here on my bed wishing to never again awake.

While i lay here weeping silently on this bed we once shared.
I contemplate all that has gone on and if you really cared.
And i wonder if it mattered at all that my heart was bared.
And your leaving was the only thing in life i really feared.

But when I sit and think about all that has come about.
And that I hoped you'd believe in me without a doubt.
I thought that I made you see that it's you i can't live without.
I've come to realize that we were never on the same route.

And as my heart lies here bleeding tears for you.
I know now that there was never anything i could truly do.
To make you search your heart and make you be true.
It's now that i understand that i never even had a clue

Soul Mates

I search for the words to express how i feel for you.
I don't feel there are enough words that will ever do
I am merely a human, with human words to speak.
Expressing these feelings i feel are what i truly I seek.

As i sit here trying to write this poem for you
I realize nothing even compares to how much i adore
I start a sentence and then have to erase once again
So now here i sit quietly and wonder how i begin

Do i speak of how beautiful your eyes shine?
Or how happy i am to know that you are mine.
Or do i try to explain how it feels to be in your arms
And how much i am lost in your wonderful charms.

Do i tell you how every time we touch I come alive.
It's your understanding of all these things that i strive.
Of how the passion explodes inside like a bomb
How being with you makes me feel tranquil and calm

I get lost every time i look into your eyes
And how from your love i would never hide
But how do i express these in the way i should
Oh my love how i truly wish that i could

How do i explain to you how i feel about it all
Of how into your arms i always wish to always fall
Or how i feel our souls are entwined as one
And how i believe that you truly are the one

There is only one word in which comes close
To explaining to you what i feel the most
And that is that i feel that we are soul mates
Forever and ever as one, this i feel is our fate

But alas it is merely a word that doesn't compare
To how much i love to run my fingers through your hair
Or how much i love to kiss your soft, tender lips
Or how much passion fills me when you touch my hips

All i can seem to muster are the words 'i love you'
And if you ever left me i would forever be blue
These words could never compare to what i feel
But I love you forever and i always will.

Monday, March 3, 2008

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father , "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Shades of Gray

Do you ever wonder what it would be like
If life were completely black and white?
Where there are no colors to differentiate
Or those gray areas which i truly hate.

No beautiful rainbows up in the sky
No worry or wonder or questions of why.
When there's no need for the red white and blue
Or having to contemplate what you need to do

And if there were no beautiful array of colors
Or no need to decide how to spend your dollars
What would we do without the different hues.
And wondering what exactly what we should do

What would it be like without shades of gray
Does anyone ever really long for that day?
And how sad would this life be without all of this
Ever wonder the magnitude of all there really is

In this world in which we seem to merely exist
Tis something to think about, i truly do insist.
This world, in all its beauty, is an immeasurable pleasure
For without it all, there would be nothing to treasure

Monday, October 8, 2007

My Birth Chart

Name: Candy
March 3 1970
2:45 PM Time Zone is CST
Springfield, MO

Rising Sign is in 02 Degrees Leo
You love to be the center of attention and you want to appear strong, confident and

dominant. You are very proud of yourself, sometimes quite vain even. When all

around you are bedraggled and falling apart, you look like a million bucks! Very

dignified and honorable, you enjoy the power and privilege, but not the

responsibilities, that come with leadership. You are very idealistic but can also

be quite stubborn. Others impress you only if they have integrity (but wealth,

power and influence can also turn your head). You prefer rich, elegant surroundings

and possessions, and will try to acquire them as your budget allows. Physically,

you are very impressive - - at your best you have a regal, charismatic demeanor and

bearing. Try not to be such a showoff!

Sun is in 12 Degrees Pisces.
Extremely sensitive and emotional, you absorb the emotions of others (whether

positive or negative) like a sponge. Emotionally vulnerable, you are easily upset

and tend to cry readily. You are at your best when you can structure your

environment in such a way that you are surrounded by positive, upbeat people. You

are very helpful and understanding of the needs of others. Indeed, at times this

can be a disadvantage, because you can be a sucker for anyone who needs help. Shy,

dreamy, romantic in nature, you delight in retreating into your private fantasy

world. Just be careful that you do not get lost in it! Trust your intuitions -- you

may be quite psychic.

Moon is in 19 Degrees Capricorn.
You are serious and shy and very uncomfortable in those situations where

spontaneous and exuberant emotional reactions seem called for. An achiever, you

prefer doing practical, worthwhile things that produce tangible results. You need

role models to respect, love and emulate. You tend to feel that you're a failure

unless you get an important and highly respected position in life. Don't be so hard

on yourself! For you, practical needs always win out over emotional considerations.

Remember that you too have the right to comfort, security and love. Dutiful and

patient, when you make an emotional commitment, you sign on for the long haul --

your love is long- enduring.

Mercury is in 26 Degrees Aquarius.
You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and

are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original

thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You

appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually

fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and

unemotional about most things.

Venus is in 22 Degrees Pisces.
You have a dreamy, fanciful, romantic nature and a very creative imagination.

Indeed, at times, your private fantasies are more appealing than the reality around

you and it is difficult for you to leave them. You tend to be unselfish and giving

in relationships and are extremely sensitive of the needs of others. Be very sure

that those you help are worthy of your devotion and are not merely taking advantage

of your innocence and naivete.

Mars is in 27 Degrees Aries.
You are very independent and self-assertive, and you have lots of physical energy.

You are not satisfied unless you can be the first to do something. As such, you are

more comfortable in leadership positions than you are as an underling. When you are

challenged by anyone for anything, you delight in the competitive process and will

fight long and hard for your beliefs. You are bold and courageous and often act

without thinking. At times, in your zeal to get ahead, you are tactless and

offensive -- learn that cooperation with others can often bring you nearer to your

goals quicker because of the support you will get.

Jupiter is in 05 Degrees Scorpio.
You love to dig deep beneath surface appearances in order to find out what is

really happening. A persistent researcher, you are very interested in the

psychology of any situation. You tend to become overwhelmed by the complexity of

what you uncover, however, and that makes you a bit gun-shy about explaining things

to others. But you must learn to try to communicate as best you can because what

you know is really very valuable to others.

Saturn is in 05 Degrees Taurus.
Complete freedom of choice makes you ill at ease. You must have a firm, ordered,

secure foundation in your life in order to feel comfortable. You do not adapt

easily and tend to fear the new and untried. You constantly fear that you do not

have enough (love, property, material things, etc.) and this makes you tend toward

being selfish, withdrawn and stingy. If you try to surround yourself with

supportive people in your environment, you will become more emotionally self-


Uranus is in 07 Degrees Libra.
You, as well as your entire peer group, have a very free, unstable and

unconventional approach to relationships and emotional commitments. You will be

attracted to experiments in marriage and shared lifestyles. Personal freedom is

more important to you than entangling emotional bonds. In the realm of art and

aesthetics, you are attracted to the bizarre, shocking and unusual.

Neptune is in 00 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and

idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The

most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of

humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance.

You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

Pluto is in 26 Degrees Virgo.
For your entire generation, this will be a time when profound changes in society's

attitude toward work, duty and responsibility will be initiated. Radical changes in

attitudes toward personal health and general nutrition will be promulgated and gain

wide acceptance and practice.

N. Node is in 11 Degrees Pisces.
You're attracted to others who need your assistance. You seem to go out of your way

to form relationships with those who are weak, sick, injured, addicted or troubled

in some way or other. At your best you can indeed provide the relief that others

need. But at times you can be victimized by those who would prey on your good

nature and take advantage of you. This can lead to all sorts of negative situations

-- make sure that those you assist are truly worthy of your time, energy and

commitment. A little enlightened self-protectiveness on your part can make your

life work much, much smoother!