Random Useless Facts About me.

I have a brackish fish tank, which if you don't know what this means..it means it's half saltwater, half fresh..i had 2 fish..but my spotted puffer fish died. Now i just have a black fined shark.

I love to play cards of any sort but don't play a lot in person, mainly online..especially on full tilt poker. I love hold'em but my passion is hi/lo Omaha.

I also love to play pool and will play every chance i get, i even have my own pool cue, chalk and chalk bag.

I am allergic to grass, pollen, pet dander, ragweed, and many other substances..I am also deathly allergic to bees and wasps of any sort.

I have 2 children,a 10 year old boy and 8 year old girl. They are my heart and soul. I had had another child, but he died before he was born..he was to be named Tristan Zacharia Fulks.

I suffer from Post traumatic stress disorder, and have been a hermit in the past, in fact for 3 years i was.

I work at waffle house as a cook, cooking is my passion, i love it greatly and am very good at what i do.

I am a pessimist at heart, but i do still believe that true love and soul mates exist.

I am a very smart woman, but when it comes to men, i am as stupid as they come.

I was married for 7 years, have been divorced for 8. Still hope that someday my ex husband will somehow turn back into the man he was before he started drinking. Oddly sometimes i wish that we could have that fairy tale marriage that everyone dreams of...but i know it will never happen.

I almost always wear black, i was goth long before goth was cool..but i don't really see myself as goth anymore. I am just who i am, and you'll have to deal with me without the label attached.

I am stronger than i sometimes seem, yet more fragile than i let most people see.

My favorite month is October, my favorite season is fall and my favorite time of night is dusk.

My favorite color is deep purple, but i tell everyone my favorite colors are blue and purple always.

I have a degree in law, mostly paralegal degree, i have started working on a culinary arts degree but currently not attending school for many reasons.

I hate to go shopping, i never carried a purse til i found out i was diabetic 3 years ago, now i carry one on occasion but it's very rare.

I am esselen indian, cherokee indian, mexican and scotch irish mix. I tell everyone i am native american and refused to be called a white girl, cus i'm not.

My first and currently only tat is a heart with the chinese symbol of love inside it, i got it because the love of my life has the chinese symbol of love on his shoulder and it is there to remind me of the greatest love of my life.

I do not and have not watched tv in about 3 years, however i do download or stream certain shows like CSI and NCIS but i haven't even been doing that lately.

I read my horoscope every day, i don't really believe in them but i do believe in astrology.

I do not believe in God, but i do believe in most native american spiritualities and i will not go into detail about that..it's just easier to tell people i'm not religious and let them deal with that fact.

I am very opinionated, just ask me!

I am also a fairly honest person, i do sometimes tell lil white lies to keep from hurting people but it's rare..i'd rather be straight up with people..some don't deal w/ that well so i tell them what i think they wanna hear. I prefer brutal honesty.

I sleep with a fan on always, even if it's winter, and most of the time sleep w/o a cover or a blanket of any sort.

I am currently writing a novel and also working on an autobiography that i will probably never finish.

I love to write poetry, but i think i suck at it, still doesn't stop me from writing tho

I am a hopeless romantic but i refuse to let most people see that side of me.

I am very sarcastic and seem very outgoing to most people who meet me, but when you get me home or alone, you learn that i'm actually a very quiet and laid back person.

I hate drama, i despise anything involving drama, yet somehow or another drama finds me at every turn of my life.

I recently stepped down as a manager at waffle house to get away from drama and am quite happy being where i am now.


I used to, and still do on occasion, sleep with a teddy bear, i still haven't gotten used to sleeping alone.

I sleep with my laptop next to me in my bed, and still sleep on the edge of my king sized bed.

I am a bit of a pack rat and a neat freak all in one, but my time at home is short and so my room looks like a tornado hit it most of the time, but it drives me crazy.

I am obsessed with washing my hands, but not OCD kind of obsessed...yet...

I secretly believe that fairy tales like Cinderella come true, just the modern day version of them.

I have an extreme loathing for people who are stupid.

I do not deal well with the fact that most people do not know the difference between 'too' and 'to' and 'your' and 'you're' It drives me insane!!!

I am addicted to text messaging!

I am allergic to coconut.

I don't care for squash and i will not eat okra or asparagus.

I believe in and feel ghosts around me all the time.

I do believe my grandma is my guardian angel.

I can break 2 eggs at the same time w/o breaking the yokes. I can also break them on the ceiling and put them in a bowl w/o breaking them.

I am severely scared of tornadoes and was picked up by one when i was a small child.

Even though i'm very scared of tornadoes, i am very facinated by them and would love to be a storm chaser, but my fear stands in the way of that.

I have an almost, if not, unhealthy obsession with serial killers and death.

I am not a violent person, but when push comes to shove i can kick some ass!

I am very good natured, always there to help a friend, and it tends to get me hurt a lot!

I love oatmeal raisin cookies, they are my favorite.

I also love strawberry swirled ice cream, especially if it has real strawberries in it.

I love diet mountain dew, before i was a diabetic i drank either it or Dr. Pepper.

When it comes to cooking, i'm a bit of a show-off, i love to do different tricks with eggs and the pans etc as i'm cooking.

I am a people watcher, it entertains me to see what people are doing, i am not sure why but it is hours of fun for me. lol

I am 5'5" tall.

I have brown eyes, but most will say they look either yellow or green. I tell everyone they are amber...just seems easier

A few months ago i cut 2 feet off of my hair, it went down passed my ass.

I am a sucker for guys with blue or green eyes, i just can't seem to stop staring into them.

I hate being tickled.

I have 3 brothers and a sister, but i also have an adopted brother and sister (they were my step-mother's children) I didn't know they were even adopted by my father until after he died a few years ago.

I have 2 guinea pigs, we used to have 3..but one died. They are named Winny the Pig and Arnold Schwarzenegger...we call him arnie for short.

My favorite movie is Legends of the Fall.

My dream is to one day own and operate my own restaurant.

My favorite flower is the daffodil.

I am mostly a pacifist.

I am a tree hugger...don't hate...

That's enough for now... perhaps i'll write more later..

Love and Friends...

Wow, i haven't written in here in a long time..Where to begin is the issue...Well the guy i used to talk about and i broke things off...in some ways, i guess it was for the best, but i miss him very much.

I have been dating someone new..he's 43, 10 years older than the last guy i was dating. He has 2 children, both boys; they are 18 and 21. He is recently separated from his wife of 22 years. We are taking things slowly and things seem to be going fairly well. He is really a great guy, he has time to spend with me and does spend as much time as possible with me. I just fear that i'm headed for another heartache here...he's not ready to settle down..i fear that i am his rebound girl...we've had many discussions about it and both have agreed we'd take things one day at a time. We are both supposed to be dating other people...but me dating more than one person is not that easy for me to do.

The guy i used to date, the one i mentioned above, stopped by to see me the other day...all those old feelings came right back up. It was a good night though...i suppose it gave me some closure, but at the same time made me want...again...what i can't have. I know that more now than before, and i know i gotta just let it go...so that's what i plan to do.

John, my ex husband, has decided to not allow me to see my son, so tomorrow morning i'm going to the courthouse to file a paper which will bring this to the judges attention...160 bux it's going to cost me..more money than what i can afford to part with right now. Ahh...but that is my life, isn't it?

I have started working at a new store, things are going okay over there i guess...i don't really have any friends anymore, i've found. Brian, one of our regulars, has turned out to be more of a friend than the people i've known for years and years...Isn't that sad?

I haven't talked to April in ages. I go up to visit her at work, but she rarely even talks to me. It bothers me a great deal. But, i guess..again..that's my life.

As i said before, my guy and i have an open relationship, several guys have shown lots of interest in me...but no one worthwhile...i guess i want too much, i am not looking for a sex fling, i want something with some stability and i get that with dale, the guy i've been seeing. What i want, is the relationship i had with Charlie, but with time together...god i miss him and i hate that i miss him!

James and i have become pretty close, he has started calling me his best friend..and he should cus i've bent over backward for him...he owes me a bunch of money, which i know i'll never see..but it's okay. His roommate is after me, he's 51 and way not my type, but i like him otherwise, he is really nice, if only he'd get off the kick of dating me, that'd be great. I really liked james a lot..but i am glad things didn't work out between us, i need friends more than anything..now if i could just get him to stop relying on me every time he needs something and focus more time on spending time w/ me as a friend, i'd be happier about it.

My ex, Zack, showed back up in town..he's been demanding my attention, but it seems he's turned out to be more like James than i can stand. I don't like it when people try to use me...i have next to nothing, what's the point? It's weird seeing him again, we've had an on again, off again, thing for years and years. He still sees us as two people that belong together...ugh! no, i really don't think so...i just can't go back, i can't get past all the lies...i dunno...

Alex and i have been talking a bit lately..it's still really hard...time doesn't seem to close that wound no matter how hard i try.

Well i guess i should wrap this up. I'm not really sure what else to talk about right now...hopefully i will start writing in this again..but who knows...

My Brothers...

As i was growing up, my brothers were..hellions..for lack of a better word..they were always trying to supp something up, or tear it up in some way, shape or form..they were always out for some good times..for them...not anyone else.. They liked to cause trouble and they loved to be mean, i think it's still their main goals in life..not sure...at any rate, when i was around 4 or 5 years old i had this big red trike. I loved that thing...We also had a large dog, his name was Baddude...and let me tell ya, he lived up to his name... He was half German Sheppard and half Alaskan husky. He was one big ol dog..he was also a former trained police dog, best dog i've had in my life, bar none. Anyways, he had a bit of a temper, for example, you could not pet him while he was eating, or he'd take your arm off...He chased cars down the street, he loved shiny hub caps..he chased the mail man..we had him chained up on a CAR TOWING CHAIN and that dog literally snapped the thing once a week. My father would get annoyed cus those things are costly after a while. Sorry i go off on tangents but i hope it helps you understand them a lil better..if not, let me know and i'll stop getting myself side tracked, i really don't put much thought into my grammar, etc cus i'm busy trying to tell you the story and not anything else..so pretty much what i type is what i'd be saying if you were sitting in front of me..w/ exception of this paragraph of course lol Back to my story now..So this one beautiful winter morning, it snowed, not much but about 4 or 5 inches. I loved the snow, just loved it, but all kids do...anyway, i grabbed my trike and i was riding it along where the sidewalk should be, i was having a great time..then my brothers were riding their bikes out in the street...well they heard the dog bark, and somehow or another a light bulb came up over one of their heads and next thing i know... They grab baddude from the back yard, and they have him on a lead, they attach it to my bike,..he's half sled dog..so yea, let's make candy's bike into a sled! Sure why not! Let's go...*frowns a lil* Anyway, they get him all tied up and put me on my trike..and then suddenly, a car comes down the road..and oh yes, it just HAD to have shiny hubcaps..yes indeed..so baddude, barking, spitting, drooling, running at top speed chases the car and away i go with him...i fall off quickly but somehow manage to grab hold of the flat piece of the back axle and so then i'm body surfing in the snow..i'm screaming, crying, pleading baddude to stop..i next see my father fly out of the house and ask the boys wth they were doing,..they are like..dunno ...and run off on their bikes and go hide.. Meanwhile, still attached to the trike and the dog, i'm still sailing down the street, and finally the car got to the end of the road...luckily for me, baddude would not go off of our road, so he came to a dead stop. I finally stood up and whapped baddude on the head and went crying to my daddy. Pops asked me what happened and so i tell him..he turns like 50 shades of red before he starts calling for the boys..they come running, scared as hell...Pops beat the asses and sent them to their room for a week over it, but they still laugh about how funny it was watching me sailing down the road.. It is funny now, looking back it's a riot, but back then it scared me silly. But it's a good memory and one i will always cherish of the time when innocence was still there and happiness was riding your trike in the snow and making snow angels in the snow was a great time had by all..

Okay...

As i was growing up, my brother, Warren, had 3 best friends in this wide world: Sammy, Donnie and Brian. In the past few months, both Bri and Donnie died from drug related suicide. Sammy, however, has not been seen by any of us in years. When i was 12-13 years old, Sammy stayed at our house with us as he had no where to go. The boys all called my mother mom and we were a family...They were all like brothers to me. Donnie, above all, was there for me in times where no one else was..was more of a brother to me than the 3 real brothers and adopted brother that i have. I will tell you more about him later, i'm sure, as i miss him dearly and think about him all the time.

Anyway, back to my story...Sammy lived with us for around a year, slept on the couch and was just like one of the family. I spent a lot of time watching tv with him after everyone went to bed. I really enjoyed spending time around him, i thought he was great. Being the child that i was, it never occurred to me that i needed to worry about how i dressed or how i acted around boys much. I knew i always had to wear a shirt and something that covered my butt, my mother was very emphatic about such things. But, around my brothers, i always wore a shirt and panties before i went to bed and when i got up in the morning, so i felt that this practice was a normal. So, i did this around sammy too, cus again, he was like a brother to me..i never realized there should be a distinction..not til after.....

One night i was lying on the couch watching tales from the crypt or something similar, i am very into horror stories/movies so i'm sure that's why i was up so late. Sammy came in, drunker than drunk, staggered to the couch and i hopped up just in time for him to not sit on me. He laughs and then plops down on the couch and looks at me and smiles. I smile back then go lie down on the floor in front of the tv and continue watching my show. Sammy starts hiccuping and i turn and laugh at him then he just stares at me...his expression went to smile to that of something i can't even begin to explain. He stares me up and down and then tells me to come sit with him on the couch, i tell him no..something about him seemed...strange...He just looks at me again and demands this time to come sit with him. I felt that if i didn't, he was going to get angry and i didn't want him waking my mom up...she never liked me staying up so late. So with that said, i went and sat on the couch next to him and we sat and watched the tv for about 10mins or so. Sammy started rubbing his leg up and down his thigh, and i glanced over a few times and he'd just stare at me and lick his lips...

I wonder so much now what was going thru his head besides sex..he shoulda known if warren found out, he'd kill him...my brother was then..and still is...mean as hell! He was a fighter for sure, always in trouble for the law for assault. Anyway, sammy grabs me and kisses me. I kiss him back not even thinking about it then i quickly pull away..he says no, kiss me now. I tell him no and he kisses me anyway, shoving his tongue deeply into my mouth and i let out a small squeal. He then breaks the kiss and grabs me by both arms and tells me if i don't shut up he'd wake my mom..again this was my worst nightmare, my mother would have been so very mad. Sammy then says, "you've been teasing me since i got home, wearing that lil scrub top and panties and sprawling out on the floor in front of me..I'm going to show you what happens to girls who tease!" I just look at him and try to sputter out a reason, but then his mouth was hard upon mine and i had no way to speak. I tried to struggle, shook my head, tried to say no..but nothing worked... He placed his hand between my thighs and i immediately slammed them shut, but he was stronger than me...next he had his fingers inside of me and there was no getting away at that point and i knew it...he tossed me down on the couch and got on top of me before he quickly undid his pants and was pushing himself into me. One of his hands was on my mouth the other was near my neck, in a choke hold but he was not choking me. He just kept repeating to me, "this is what lil teases get, don't make a sound or i will wake your mom and what do you think she's going to say to you fucking me?" I started bawling my eyes out, but as quietly as i could, the pain was unbearable and the fear inside me had grown to the point i wanted to vomit. I knew better tho..knew if i did, i'd get something way worse than the punishment he was already giving me... Finally he finishes what he's doing and let's me go. I run up the stairs as quietly as i can and close the door and lock it behind me w/ a butter knife and then sit against it, still sobbing uncontrollably. I could feel the dampness between my legs from him and i realized then i was bleeding and i started crying even more. I hopped up and opened the window and ended up vomiting til i was dry heaving then went and collapsed on my bed and went to sleep. The next morning when i woke up i realized i had bruises on both arms from where he had grabbed me, and even tho it was warm that whole week i wore long sleeved shirts.

I was visibly shaken the next morning when i went downstairs and he was there. He just looked at me in bewilderment,..i don't think he remembered a thing...He left later that day and never was to come back in my house to sleep, so i never bothered to tell anyone, i knew they wouldn't believe me...when i finally told them later (i just told them about 4 years ago), they still didn't believe me at first.. I ran into sammy years later and when we were alone i asked him why..he claimed he never did such a thing, tried to make me believe it was just some kind of dream..i slapped the shit out of him and walked off, i have yet to see him since...i just hope that karma gives him back what he deserves for the suffering and pain i have went through all my life...Even to this day i have issues with certain things, especially after telling my story to someone because it rehashes all those memories..and as you can probably tell, i remember just like it was yesterday.

Guilt and Death...

I lost a close friend last year, Ray, some of you may have read my blog about him then and a cpl of days ago..His presence has been all around me for days now. I feel him constantly near. It used to bug me when i felt a presence of someone long gone but now i embrace it cus i think they do it cus they feel i need them to be nearby.


At any rate, i kind of think that part of the reason why is cus i felt guilt-ridden for some time after his tragic death about something really stupid that i've never bothered to whisper to a soul. So tonight i feel the need to put it in here so i can get it off my chest, so to speak...i was supposed to go out w/ Ray the night after he passed on..he had an aneurysm and it burst, he was in the hospital on life support for hours while the family and close relatives said their goodbyes. What hurt me the most is i never had the chance to say my goodbye and i guess this is why it troubles me so.

Anyway, i'm getting sidetracked..only reason i found out was because i kept calling ray and finally his mother answered the phone..and she was like 'we pulled the plug an hour ago, i'm sorry we didn't think to call you' I was devastated! So many things we had planned on doing...so much left undone..i was supposed to make a CD of a group for him that was on our jukebox at work...he really liked them and i had all their albums, but i hadn't gotten around to doing it yet. I had loaned him a psychology book and never got it back...why does stupid things like this bother me still a year later? I'll never know.

I tried to do a few things to have some closure but then Ray started showing up at my work. I wear a lil bonnet thingy most of the time, and every now and then a small breeze just big enough to flop it up over my head (something he used to do all the time) and i'd turn to look and of course he wasn't there.

Every night he came up to my work to spend time and hang out, he'd be there for hours. He was a funny man, god he would crack me up so much..we'd laugh the night away and work seemed to go by so much faster when he was there. He always sat up at the same spot at the counter and for months after his death i couldn't deal w/ anyone sitting there but me. It made me so angry..i'd be like you can't sit there ray's sitting there! I know that it was because i felt him there....then one day he just went away...

The day of his death was the first time in ages i had felt his presence again and it scared me a lil when it happened. I was sitting on my bed, where i am now, and i was crying, thinking about him and some other stuff going on in my life..

I recently broke up w/ a guy i was dating, but i'll get into that later..

I felt Ray lay his head on my shoulder and somehow everything seemed so clear...He was saying to me..hey i'm here and you'll be okay, there are other guys out there...etc etc

Something Ray was good at, cheering me up..something not easy to do when i go into bouts of depression, ask anyone who has known me for long periods of time..

I could be crying and he could make me burst out laughing w/ just the smallest of phrases.

Anyway, Ray, i'm sorry for not making that CD for you, and never having the time to go out and play pool like we had planned. I hope you know that i will always love ya buddy, and i refuse to forget you..ever! I hope you're in a better place, i truly do. Thank you for all that you've done for me in the past and all that you still seem to do. I miss you.