It's been almost 20 days since the last time i can honestly say i felt happy. 20 days? God...It's been a long week, really has been rough on me. Donnie died a few days ago. I can't believe he's gone. It has been some time since i last saw him but the pain is still there. Brian died, i guess what's been a mth ago. Why do all my old friends have to start dropping like flies?
Drugs..fucking drugs..when will people get a clue that this is not what they need to be doing. Look how many lives have already been taken. I've lost approximate 7 or 8 friends do to some sort of drug involvement. I've honestly lost count of how many it's actually been. *sighs* just not sure how much i can handle of all of this, it seems way too hard to fathom all the deaths. I think it's just helping me be more bitter and more angry and more jaded and more.........more cynical..the list goes on........
I digress, life isn't as miserable as i always seem to make it sound, there are some very wonderful aspects to my life. My kids..bratty as they may be, they do make me happy. My mom is a wonderful lady and i don't know why she puts up w/ me but i'm thankful that she does. Actually, after having kids i do understand why...just wish somehow i could make things easier for her, i just don't know how to go about it...perhaps one day i'll figure that one out.
As for my honey, i still miss him all the time. I know in my heart he misses me too, but i'm so damn lonely and i really want to be with him as often as possible. I guess i really am too clingy...ahh....what can you do tho? I guess i have to keep holding on cus i can't let him go, i don't think i even want to try. He really is a great guy. So i guess it's more loneliness for me til the situation changes..
Anyway, very tired. So time for sleep. Have a good day whoever you are that reads my blog.
Candy
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
Frustration...
As most people already know, i go out every Sunday night. Last night was no exception to this 'rule'. But last night was a night unlike I've had in so many years, it's hard to even fathom how long it's actually been since i got so angry.
To explain..first, we got to the bar and Maggie, the waitress, tells us that we have to stay in the room downstairs because they are going to clean the carpet..which annoyed me because there's only one pool table down stairs and someone was already playing on it. A little annoyance only, i accepted that and moved on.
So after that, we get our drinks and Adam and i start playing pool while April plays the jukebox. Normally April plays a lot of music that i love, but last night she plays a lot of country..normally i love country, but when i'm drinking, it's not a good combination to keep me in good spirits. I've been pretty depressed about not getting to see my honey very often so listening to sad, sappy country is not really something i need to do when i'm drinking...But again, that's another minor annoyance that normally i wouldn't let get to me.
Then...another minor annoyance comes to pass, Amanda shows up. First off, i don't care much for Amanda lately anyway, i don't know what her beef is with me and i don't really care..but her attitude with me as of late has been less than favorable. However, she's still a minor and has no business being in a bar to begin with, let alone drinking there!! She and Erin both should not be there. So if that's not bad enough, Bridget's 15 year old daughter also shows up...I go out to get away from kids not be around them. So this again makes me even more upset.
So with all these people there (approximately 10-12 in our group alone) the bar was really busy, and they only have one waitress on Sundays, so she was working her ass off and too busy to get us drinks. Plus our normal bartender was not there, so that made matters worse, cus the girl didn't know how to make my drink right *grumbles*
Okay so, the night progresses, and it's not long before everyone starts making it really difficult for me and Adam to play pool. We had to stop constantly cus the drunk girls were in the way either sitting on the end of the table right next to the pool table or up dancing on each other. Normally this wouldn't bug me so much, but again, all the other things combined did not go well with me. After a couple hours of them not being respectful enough to stay out of the way i finally just started not caring if i hit them and kept playing..something I'd normally NEVER do. So my attitude upset me even more....
Time progresses on, Linda shows up and the first words out of her mouth were asking if my guy had shown up and of course for whatever reason he wasn't able to come, and that was fine, but it made me more upset. I told her immediately that i was leaving soon and she asked me why and i stated the above things that i was already upset about, and told her that i just wasn't in the mood to deal with all the crap tonight and she understood, hugged me and went on to talk to the rest of the gang.
Well, Adam got busy chatting with the girls and watching them rub all over one another, which yes..got me more upset, hard to play pool with someone who's not paying attention. Bad move on his part really, but i understand why he did this, cus it was hard to not pay attention to them, they were always in the way. But already pissed off Candy...yea..anyway, so i started playing pool by myself, i played 2 games, cleared the table both times, put my pool cue back in its case and headed to the bar to cash out. (because we are regulars they let me keep a tab.)
As i was walking out to leave, krys saw that i was leaving and asked me why, then 3 others were there, and i was like, nothing i just wanna go home etc. So i just keep doing what i'm doing, and head out to my car as if they weren't there, and of course, half of em follow me out wanting to know why i'm so upset and leaving without saying goodbye.
Granted, i shouldn't have been so heartless or whatever, but my momma always said, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything...and at that moment nothing i had to say would be nice, so i tried to leave without causing a fuss, or causing them to have less of a fun time. Krys was really upset with me because she came out there to hang with me, and of course Adam also. Krys and April both sat in my car while i was trying to pull out, and i was half tempted to just take them home with me instead of dealing with them..but then Linda came out, and i can't just pretend like nothing is wrong at this point. So i flat out tell them..'this is my place to chill, my place to get away from the fucking world, to get away from the children etc, and there are 3 minors with us tonight and 2 of them are drinking and getting stupid drunk and it is going to get us all banned from this place, and this is MY place to chill.' Selfish, i know, i know..but still, they don't belong there!!
Anyways, i finally agreed to go down to carriage house with them for breakfast, but i left with Linda and she and i kicked back down there and ate until they showed up. Then we went outside for a smoke and left not long after. I was glad for Linda being there, had she not, i'm not sure how much longer i would have been able to hold my tongue toward the damn minors.
At any rate, i'm done with my rant of the day, I am upset with myself for being such an ass last night, it's not like me...But stressor on top of stressor is never good. Eventually a person has to fold under the pressure of it all.
To explain..first, we got to the bar and Maggie, the waitress, tells us that we have to stay in the room downstairs because they are going to clean the carpet..which annoyed me because there's only one pool table down stairs and someone was already playing on it. A little annoyance only, i accepted that and moved on.
So after that, we get our drinks and Adam and i start playing pool while April plays the jukebox. Normally April plays a lot of music that i love, but last night she plays a lot of country..normally i love country, but when i'm drinking, it's not a good combination to keep me in good spirits. I've been pretty depressed about not getting to see my honey very often so listening to sad, sappy country is not really something i need to do when i'm drinking...But again, that's another minor annoyance that normally i wouldn't let get to me.
Then...another minor annoyance comes to pass, Amanda shows up. First off, i don't care much for Amanda lately anyway, i don't know what her beef is with me and i don't really care..but her attitude with me as of late has been less than favorable. However, she's still a minor and has no business being in a bar to begin with, let alone drinking there!! She and Erin both should not be there. So if that's not bad enough, Bridget's 15 year old daughter also shows up...I go out to get away from kids not be around them. So this again makes me even more upset.
So with all these people there (approximately 10-12 in our group alone) the bar was really busy, and they only have one waitress on Sundays, so she was working her ass off and too busy to get us drinks. Plus our normal bartender was not there, so that made matters worse, cus the girl didn't know how to make my drink right *grumbles*
Okay so, the night progresses, and it's not long before everyone starts making it really difficult for me and Adam to play pool. We had to stop constantly cus the drunk girls were in the way either sitting on the end of the table right next to the pool table or up dancing on each other. Normally this wouldn't bug me so much, but again, all the other things combined did not go well with me. After a couple hours of them not being respectful enough to stay out of the way i finally just started not caring if i hit them and kept playing..something I'd normally NEVER do. So my attitude upset me even more....
Time progresses on, Linda shows up and the first words out of her mouth were asking if my guy had shown up and of course for whatever reason he wasn't able to come, and that was fine, but it made me more upset. I told her immediately that i was leaving soon and she asked me why and i stated the above things that i was already upset about, and told her that i just wasn't in the mood to deal with all the crap tonight and she understood, hugged me and went on to talk to the rest of the gang.
Well, Adam got busy chatting with the girls and watching them rub all over one another, which yes..got me more upset, hard to play pool with someone who's not paying attention. Bad move on his part really, but i understand why he did this, cus it was hard to not pay attention to them, they were always in the way. But already pissed off Candy...yea..anyway, so i started playing pool by myself, i played 2 games, cleared the table both times, put my pool cue back in its case and headed to the bar to cash out. (because we are regulars they let me keep a tab.)
As i was walking out to leave, krys saw that i was leaving and asked me why, then 3 others were there, and i was like, nothing i just wanna go home etc. So i just keep doing what i'm doing, and head out to my car as if they weren't there, and of course, half of em follow me out wanting to know why i'm so upset and leaving without saying goodbye.
Granted, i shouldn't have been so heartless or whatever, but my momma always said, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything...and at that moment nothing i had to say would be nice, so i tried to leave without causing a fuss, or causing them to have less of a fun time. Krys was really upset with me because she came out there to hang with me, and of course Adam also. Krys and April both sat in my car while i was trying to pull out, and i was half tempted to just take them home with me instead of dealing with them..but then Linda came out, and i can't just pretend like nothing is wrong at this point. So i flat out tell them..'this is my place to chill, my place to get away from the fucking world, to get away from the children etc, and there are 3 minors with us tonight and 2 of them are drinking and getting stupid drunk and it is going to get us all banned from this place, and this is MY place to chill.' Selfish, i know, i know..but still, they don't belong there!!
Anyways, i finally agreed to go down to carriage house with them for breakfast, but i left with Linda and she and i kicked back down there and ate until they showed up. Then we went outside for a smoke and left not long after. I was glad for Linda being there, had she not, i'm not sure how much longer i would have been able to hold my tongue toward the damn minors.
At any rate, i'm done with my rant of the day, I am upset with myself for being such an ass last night, it's not like me...But stressor on top of stressor is never good. Eventually a person has to fold under the pressure of it all.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Vacation?
I thought for sure I'd get to see my guy more often..but i am still having a hard time finding time to spend with him..rather he's having a hard time finding time to spend w/ me..cus what else do i have to do after all? nothing..He keeps telling me that it's not anything I'm doing wrong or that he doesn't want to spend time with me..and i want to believe him and for the most part i do..but sometimes i wonder if....yea..i hate that i wonder but i still do.. :( I think about him all the time-probably much more often than i should...Days come and days go and i keep finding myself wanting to see him more and more but i can't. I'm so lonely..god I'm lonely as hell. When i see him it makes it all better but i get to see him so rarely..i'm not sure how long i can stand it.
My mom took me out to dinner tonight, normally it's me taking her out to dinner..it was sorta strange..it kinda makes me wonder what bad news she has to tell me but i'm trying my best to be optimistic...that's not an easy feat for me. I'm glad she did tho i really did enjoy spending time w/ her outside of the house..it seems all we ever do is walk by each other all the time. I love her with all my heart, but she has to be one of the hardest people to tell that to....perhaps someday.
Anyway, i guess that's all i have to say for tonight. Take care whoever might be reading this.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Gas prices and other craziness...
Well today is the first day of my 9 day vacation and i'm so excited to have the time off and not have to deal w/ this bs anymore! Well for 9 days anyway.
Last night was a pretty odd night, one of our regular customers....we call him stalker jim..he handed me an envelope w/ 150 bux in it..to get tags on my car..i seriously considered giving it back to him but changed my mind cus i really do need to get tags on my car..it was a nice gesture..guess i should buy him a thank you card. :) Wow, i cannot believe it, still freaked out a lil by it, cus after all, it is stalker jim and we do call him that for good reason.
So overnight gas prices rose up to $3.14 a gallon...HOLY CRAP!! What is this country coming to? I understand that it is important for companies to make a profit, but this is just gross abuse of power!
I recently read somewhere that now some of the gas corporations are now grossing over 1 billion dollars more a year because of the price hike!!!! This is seriously out of hand..when is it going to stop? I guess this is what we get for having a president in the office who has family in the oil business eh?
Anyway, enough ranting about that..Linda and i are going out to see our friend, justin, and his band play out at the Roadhouse, i'm pretty excited about going to see him cus i haven't seen him in a long time and their show has such energy..i cannot wait! :) I just wish my honey was coming with us...*sighs* i sure miss him..
At any rate, hope everyone has a good evening, i need to go get ready for my first Saturday off in 3 years :)
Last night was a pretty odd night, one of our regular customers....we call him stalker jim..he handed me an envelope w/ 150 bux in it..to get tags on my car..i seriously considered giving it back to him but changed my mind cus i really do need to get tags on my car..it was a nice gesture..guess i should buy him a thank you card. :) Wow, i cannot believe it, still freaked out a lil by it, cus after all, it is stalker jim and we do call him that for good reason.
So overnight gas prices rose up to $3.14 a gallon...HOLY CRAP!! What is this country coming to? I understand that it is important for companies to make a profit, but this is just gross abuse of power!
I recently read somewhere that now some of the gas corporations are now grossing over 1 billion dollars more a year because of the price hike!!!! This is seriously out of hand..when is it going to stop? I guess this is what we get for having a president in the office who has family in the oil business eh?
Anyway, enough ranting about that..Linda and i are going out to see our friend, justin, and his band play out at the Roadhouse, i'm pretty excited about going to see him cus i haven't seen him in a long time and their show has such energy..i cannot wait! :) I just wish my honey was coming with us...*sighs* i sure miss him..
At any rate, hope everyone has a good evening, i need to go get ready for my first Saturday off in 3 years :)
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Sleep and Dreams
To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;~~Shakespeare..
Ahh..sometimes death sounds so much better than the
horrid dreams that i have sometimes. God my
mind really is fucked up..
Anyway, not much else to say, everything
is back to normal in candy's lil world and other
than missing my honey, i am basically just
tired today...i need to sleep...
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
A Wonderful day...
Well today was the day that i finally met the guy i've been talking to and omg is he everything i expected and more. I really had a wonderful time with him and i'm just on air.
I was so nervous, i was trembling all over. He calmed my nerves pretty easily after he grabbed me and kissed me..oh what a wonderful day...i really had a good time..
I will talk more about this later perhaps...i need to get some rest and i'm sure no one cares about how fantastic a day i had :)
*waves and smiles*
I was so nervous, i was trembling all over. He calmed my nerves pretty easily after he grabbed me and kissed me..oh what a wonderful day...i really had a good time..
I will talk more about this later perhaps...i need to get some rest and i'm sure no one cares about how fantastic a day i had :)
*waves and smiles*
Saturday, May 5, 2007
I wish you knew..
I wish you knew how much it hurts when you don't even send me an email or give me a call. I wish you understood how hard it is to spend days w/o talking to you. I wish you knew how sad it makes me not to be able to hold you in my arms or kiss your tender lips.
I wish you understand how lonely i am, and how much i want to give up on this, but i can't. My heart longs for you every single day. Why can't we just have an hour alone? Or just a moment, just one simple quiet moment so i can see you, even if only for a lil while.
Not a moment passes i don't want to spend with you, but it seems so difficult to even imagine having to be away from you. Maybe I'm asking too much but it's all i want, it is simply all i want.
I wish you understand how lonely i am, and how much i want to give up on this, but i can't. My heart longs for you every single day. Why can't we just have an hour alone? Or just a moment, just one simple quiet moment so i can see you, even if only for a lil while.
Not a moment passes i don't want to spend with you, but it seems so difficult to even imagine having to be away from you. Maybe I'm asking too much but it's all i want, it is simply all i want.
Friday, May 4, 2007
I know I've already posted a blog today but i don't really care, and why would you care anyway? If you are so bored that you wanna read my blogs then you shouldn't care whether or not i post two in a day lol
At any rate, just sitting here on my bed typing away on my laptop and wondering why I'm not asleep yet. I'm here alone and my mind tends to wander any time that happens so I'm having a rough time wanting to go to sleep all alone. I wish i could turn my mind off tho, I'm so sick and tired of thinking all the time, i need sleep, not more thoughts to keep my mind going off into 15 million directions.
I told you before about this guy i like. My thoughts mostly revolve around him these days. We haven't met yet but we're hoping to soon. So many obstacles in the way, I hope we won't be disappointed in what we find out when we do. He's very confident about the whole thing, as am I for the most part, but a lil piece of me thinks about all the other guys I've met off here and it keeps telling me i need to just give up.
I don't want to give up tho, i don't want to be my mother. 30+ years of living a life alone..god i don't see how she does it. I miss sex, i miss being held, i miss cuddling and i so miss having someone to spend time with. I so want to fall in love and live a life where we can just hang out, spend time fishing, or just sitting back at home with the kids. I'm so ready to have a family again it's not funny.
Why do i have to hit all these setbacks tho? It seems like i spend most of my time alone these days. I have even stopped going up to work on my days off because i can't stand the thought of being there. All my friends are there tho, and they seem to miss me stopping in all the time. But when you can't stand the 4 walls (or windows, as the case may be) around you, what ever do you do? What ever do you do?? Only thing i know is to stay out of em.
Anyway, i guess mainly i just wanted to vent about being here in my big ol' king size bed by myself once again, when i'm up waiting on my guy instead of sleeping as i should be.
There has to be more to life than this...there truly does.
At any rate, just sitting here on my bed typing away on my laptop and wondering why I'm not asleep yet. I'm here alone and my mind tends to wander any time that happens so I'm having a rough time wanting to go to sleep all alone. I wish i could turn my mind off tho, I'm so sick and tired of thinking all the time, i need sleep, not more thoughts to keep my mind going off into 15 million directions.
I told you before about this guy i like. My thoughts mostly revolve around him these days. We haven't met yet but we're hoping to soon. So many obstacles in the way, I hope we won't be disappointed in what we find out when we do. He's very confident about the whole thing, as am I for the most part, but a lil piece of me thinks about all the other guys I've met off here and it keeps telling me i need to just give up.
I don't want to give up tho, i don't want to be my mother. 30+ years of living a life alone..god i don't see how she does it. I miss sex, i miss being held, i miss cuddling and i so miss having someone to spend time with. I so want to fall in love and live a life where we can just hang out, spend time fishing, or just sitting back at home with the kids. I'm so ready to have a family again it's not funny.
Why do i have to hit all these setbacks tho? It seems like i spend most of my time alone these days. I have even stopped going up to work on my days off because i can't stand the thought of being there. All my friends are there tho, and they seem to miss me stopping in all the time. But when you can't stand the 4 walls (or windows, as the case may be) around you, what ever do you do? What ever do you do?? Only thing i know is to stay out of em.
Anyway, i guess mainly i just wanted to vent about being here in my big ol' king size bed by myself once again, when i'm up waiting on my guy instead of sleeping as i should be.
There has to be more to life than this...there truly does.
Interesting..
So, last night, i get asked out by a guy i haven't talked to in ages. And one of our regular customers whom I've had a crush on for a while now starts to show some extreme interest in me. Why does this happen when i finally decide on a certain person? It's not like they know about it, so it's not the case of 'getting what you can't have', So what's the deal? I don't get it.
I wrote a note to krys last night about my being unhappy. I know she's going to feel like it's the same old shit different day kinda thing, but it's really not. This time I'm not backing down, I really need to get the hell out of there. I'm still not really sure where to go, but i guess i'll figure something out.
So jay today informs me that he wants to move back in here...On what planet does he think i'll feel that's a fucking good idea...he's a fucking crazy mother fucker, seriously!!
I'll never be that stupid again, promise you that.
Anyway, not much else to say so i'm going to close with that.
I wrote a note to krys last night about my being unhappy. I know she's going to feel like it's the same old shit different day kinda thing, but it's really not. This time I'm not backing down, I really need to get the hell out of there. I'm still not really sure where to go, but i guess i'll figure something out.
So jay today informs me that he wants to move back in here...On what planet does he think i'll feel that's a fucking good idea...he's a fucking crazy mother fucker, seriously!!
I'll never be that stupid again, promise you that.
Anyway, not much else to say so i'm going to close with that.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Dreams of You
I originally posted this just a moment ago in myspace, but i liked it so much i wanted to post it here also:
A soft breeze blows through my hair as the scent of hyacinth intertwines itself to the gentle wind and seemingly becomes an entity all it's own. I saunter down a pathway that leads deep into the woodlands. As i take in the enchanting floral scent, the beautiful array of flora and fauna comes into view.
I see you standing there, further down the path, and a quiet expression of adoration crosses my face as the distance between us dissipates. My eyes lock with yours quickly and happily, as i notice then contented smile come across your lips.
I stand before you and continue to stare up into your eyes and notice how blue they are against the azure sky and lush tree line that lies behind you. I take your hand in mine and then we both embrace, laughing just like children in the midst of it all. Our arms slide to each others waists as we begin to walk down the serene path. Our jovial laughter and calm prattle fill the atmosphere as we slowly disappear off into the woods....
My eyes flutter quickly as i reach out to you.... Momentarily I'm disoriented and then reality sets in like a knife in hot butter. My fingers come back empty and I let out a soft sigh before i roll over and go back to sleep....
Dreams so real, such a blessing and a curse, i realize that now...Sometimes waking up can be the worst thing that happens to me throughout the day..but oh how disheartening it can be. Even the most beautiful dreams can be ruined by the light of day, but i so cherish each of the ones i have of you, even if they don't ever come true.
A soft breeze blows through my hair as the scent of hyacinth intertwines itself to the gentle wind and seemingly becomes an entity all it's own. I saunter down a pathway that leads deep into the woodlands. As i take in the enchanting floral scent, the beautiful array of flora and fauna comes into view.
I see you standing there, further down the path, and a quiet expression of adoration crosses my face as the distance between us dissipates. My eyes lock with yours quickly and happily, as i notice then contented smile come across your lips.
I stand before you and continue to stare up into your eyes and notice how blue they are against the azure sky and lush tree line that lies behind you. I take your hand in mine and then we both embrace, laughing just like children in the midst of it all. Our arms slide to each others waists as we begin to walk down the serene path. Our jovial laughter and calm prattle fill the atmosphere as we slowly disappear off into the woods....
My eyes flutter quickly as i reach out to you.... Momentarily I'm disoriented and then reality sets in like a knife in hot butter. My fingers come back empty and I let out a soft sigh before i roll over and go back to sleep....
Dreams so real, such a blessing and a curse, i realize that now...Sometimes waking up can be the worst thing that happens to me throughout the day..but oh how disheartening it can be. Even the most beautiful dreams can be ruined by the light of day, but i so cherish each of the ones i have of you, even if they don't ever come true.
Just another day..
Last night was a very long night. I really didn't want to be at work to start with but to make matters worse, certain people (Amy) came in w/ one hell of a chip on her shoulder. It took me approximately 2 hours before i had had enough and sent her ass home. I cannot stand having to work w/ ppl like that, seriously my stomach is knots from having to deal w/ it all.
Wednesdays are always stressful anyway, it is my Monday after all. I requested next Saturday off, i need a day off on the weekend, god I'm so sick and tired of having to work every weekend night, it's really unfair that i should have to. I have a feeling tho, that i will end up not getting it off, but it's always nice to dream.
I am going to have to leave there soon tho, i feel it in my stomach especially..and in my heart. It really makes me sad to know that, but i have known it for a while, just didn't have the courage to actually set forth and do so. I guess it's time to start seeing what's out there again. I don't know how long it's going to be before i say fuck it and just walk out the door. It's really frustrating.
Just seeing the words here in a lot of ways makes me feel better, makes me feel like i have an out..makes me feel like i believe in myself enough to actually pull it off. But it also makes me feel lousy cus i made promises to Paula that i would stick w/ this whole thing and make it work. But FFS they won't even give me a simple 25c an hour raise. I bust my ass there and it's never ever appreciated..I'm so tired of that...this is going to be the hardest time of my life.
Anyway, enough for now..have a good day, whomever may be reading this.
Candy
Wednesdays are always stressful anyway, it is my Monday after all. I requested next Saturday off, i need a day off on the weekend, god I'm so sick and tired of having to work every weekend night, it's really unfair that i should have to. I have a feeling tho, that i will end up not getting it off, but it's always nice to dream.
I am going to have to leave there soon tho, i feel it in my stomach especially..and in my heart. It really makes me sad to know that, but i have known it for a while, just didn't have the courage to actually set forth and do so. I guess it's time to start seeing what's out there again. I don't know how long it's going to be before i say fuck it and just walk out the door. It's really frustrating.
Just seeing the words here in a lot of ways makes me feel better, makes me feel like i have an out..makes me feel like i believe in myself enough to actually pull it off. But it also makes me feel lousy cus i made promises to Paula that i would stick w/ this whole thing and make it work. But FFS they won't even give me a simple 25c an hour raise. I bust my ass there and it's never ever appreciated..I'm so tired of that...this is going to be the hardest time of my life.
Anyway, enough for now..have a good day, whomever may be reading this.
Candy
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
My life...
Well i decided to post a blog here instead of myspace so i don't have to worry about ppl at work etc seeing what i have to say. I blog for several reasons, but mostly i do it to vent or express my feelings in whatever way i can. It helps keep me sane, i suppose. But the drama that my blogs sometimes cause annoy the crap out of me.
I have been watching a lot of CSI and House episodes...i think it's making me think about how quickly life stops or changes on a dime. For a split moment everything can change, it's kinda scary. I've sorta always been one of those people who always tries to live one day at a time and make sure people realize what they mean to me. But lately...i'm too self-involved, too concerned w/ being miserable, too concerned with being alone, too concerned with all the stupid lil things that are eating at me in general.
I've met someone recently, and he seems to be such a great guy, but at the same time i'm scared to death of another relationship failing. I'm jaded enough, one more would be really traumatic for me, i believe. He seems to say all the things i want to hear, and show that he does care about me and isn't afraid of talking about his feelings. But sometimes, i leave him emails and he doesn't respond...and that bugs me. I shouldn't let it bother me, i know..he's a busy man, very busy. I can't stop seeming to wonder tho if he really has time for a relationship right now.
I really hope he does tho, he seems to be everything i have been looking for..i just am afraid all the time, scared i'm going to push him away from being scared as well..fuck i really hate the emotional turmoil i go through with just the smallest lil things. I need to stop freaking out, i think once i get to meet him and be able to look into his eyes it will make me feel so much more confident.
I'm so lonely lately, been crying a lot..i hate crying so i make myself stop. I need to be held, need to be touched, i need to have sex, and fulfill so many other wants and needs and desires. I suppose it will pass eventually.
I have been watching a lot of CSI and House episodes...i think it's making me think about how quickly life stops or changes on a dime. For a split moment everything can change, it's kinda scary. I've sorta always been one of those people who always tries to live one day at a time and make sure people realize what they mean to me. But lately...i'm too self-involved, too concerned w/ being miserable, too concerned with being alone, too concerned with all the stupid lil things that are eating at me in general.
I've met someone recently, and he seems to be such a great guy, but at the same time i'm scared to death of another relationship failing. I'm jaded enough, one more would be really traumatic for me, i believe. He seems to say all the things i want to hear, and show that he does care about me and isn't afraid of talking about his feelings. But sometimes, i leave him emails and he doesn't respond...and that bugs me. I shouldn't let it bother me, i know..he's a busy man, very busy. I can't stop seeming to wonder tho if he really has time for a relationship right now.
I really hope he does tho, he seems to be everything i have been looking for..i just am afraid all the time, scared i'm going to push him away from being scared as well..fuck i really hate the emotional turmoil i go through with just the smallest lil things. I need to stop freaking out, i think once i get to meet him and be able to look into his eyes it will make me feel so much more confident.
I'm so lonely lately, been crying a lot..i hate crying so i make myself stop. I need to be held, need to be touched, i need to have sex, and fulfill so many other wants and needs and desires. I suppose it will pass eventually.
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